Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2010, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2010-02-03T14:21:07-05:00 2 daily Computer repairman http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1584333712.html Does your computer not work as well as it used it, but you are scared to bring it to someone to get it fixed because you don't want anyone seeing what you've downloaded? I fix computers for under $100. Completely confidential, i don't even look at your files. I just wipe out the hard drive and and reinstall windows. Your computer will be as good as new. <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1584333712.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Staten Island <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-03T14:21:07-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1584333712.html Computer repairman text Prepare now for next Christmas! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1535962217.html 'Twas the week after Christmas,and all through the house the decorations came down with no help from my spouse. The stockings were packed in their boxes with care right next to the ornaments that I had placed there. When what to my wondering eyes did appear a bunch of leftover ornaments and other good gear. Some candles, some holders, a stocking kit to sew, now, needing good homes, were layed out in a row. They're ready for next year to spruce up your house, so many cute things, maybe even a mouse. So drop me a line that is ever so merry with your number to call to come over and carry The best little box, full of holiday cheer. Happy New Year to all, and a great Craigslisting Year! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-03T17:26:06-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1535962217.html Prepare now for next Christmas! text The Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1533779057.html So there you are, suddenly single after fifteen years of faithful monogamy that came to a crashing halt when you discovered that the other “partner” felt that monogamy only applied to one of you, and it wasn’t her. Now, despite the fact that you’ve been a hard-working sole provider for a decade and a half and you technically own half of a really nice, big, house in the burbs, you find yourself sitting in an unfurnished crappy little two-bedroom apartment little bigger than the one you first moved into straight out of college. You have an old table with one chair, a beat up couch you got from your folks back in the early 90s and which they got in the 70s, a mattress with no frame, and thank god, a tv. (But that bitch wouldn’t let you have the remote, would she?) You’re not exactly at the top of your game, but what’s worse is that you don’t know where the kids will sleep. Yea, the kids. They still love you. They want to come and see you. They did nothing wrong. But now you have nowhere (other than the couch) for them to sleep. Sound familiar? Well then have I got a deal for you. Feast your eyes upon the Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed. You see, it will get better. The wheels of karmic justice may grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine. You will reconstruct your ego, and your life. Then you’ll slowly start having a social life. You’ll fix some of those things about yourself you always wanted to fix but didn’t have the time/energy because you were so busy being provider/husband/father. You’ll meet a brilliant and gorgeous woman who, coincidentally, happens to be much younger than you. You’ll fall in love. For her part, your ex will fall into bankruptcy, get all sorts of inappropriate tattoos, and basically ruin her own life without any help from you. But the first step to all of that is having somewhere for the kids to sleep. That’s where the bunkbed comes in. As you can see from the picture, it’s steel framed, relatively new, comes with two mattresses, and the bottom bunk is a couch until you pull it out into a futon. So here is the scale: If any or all of this applies to you, if you are the one who was cheated (male or female) on and you STILL had to move out and need somewhere for your kids to sleep: $75 and hell, I’ll throw in some pillows for you. If you are a single mother or father, perhaps for other reasons, it’s still a bargain at $100 If you are a young couple, working hard to make ends meet but doing pretty well, with your whole lives in front of you: $101 If you are the one who cheated in your marriage/partnership, the one who had to leave the house because you could not stop your libido from overruling your vows: $3,275. And I get to punch you in the face. In fact, I'll probably do that anyway, on the principle of the thing. <ul> <li> Location: Capitol Hill <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-02T10:05:13-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1533779057.html The Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed text World's most uncomfortable saddle http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1533612838.html Like a ghastly specter from your darkest nightmare, this saddle has returned from the grave seeking vengeance. Its previous master thought it had banished it to the blackness of the abyss for good, but nay, it was only for an epoch. Features: *Steel rails forged by LUCIFER himself *Genuine Auroch hide seat provides maximum chafing I am reaching the end of my strength, as the madness contained within this dark artifact threatens to consume me. I cannot merely throw this adamantine saddle on the rubbish heap, lest some unwary passerby become transfixed by its lightless glow. No, I must only give this to one with the courage to look into the bloodshot eyes of insanity, and the strength to master it. A wizard with the cunning to master this beast gains an ally of unspeakable power: the ultimate theft deterrent. At the moment the thief straddles your steed, his fate is sealed. Eager for revenge upon mortals, the saddle will visit his arse with blisters that rival the torment of fire and brimstone... a dire lesson he will not soon forget. This same fate will befall any unworthy mortal who in his arrogance, attempts to mount the saddle of doom. Are you worthy? <ul> <li> Location: Green Lake <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T23:41:04-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1533612838.html World's most uncomfortable saddle text penis caught in my zipper at el biet - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1533449788.html i had just gone in for a normal pee, but the way you pounded, and pounded, and pounded on the door screaming "out! i have diarrhea! out! for the love of god come out, its coming out of my butt, pleeeeease!!!" got me so turned on that i got an erection. then, because your kicking started splintering the door, i quickly yanked up my zipper and caught my penis up in the process. i'm sorry again for the screaming as you pushed me down and sat down with the door hanging off it's hinges, but the look of sheer horror and embarrassment we shared in front of the staff and other patrons looking on before you ran out the back door and climbed over the fence has captured my heart. please describe what i was wearing so i know its you. <ul> <li> Location: williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T22:21:02-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1533449788.html penis caught in my zipper at el biet - m4w text obnoxious drunk irish guy at the workless party on NYE - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1533217064.html We were hitting it off at first and even shared a New Years kiss. You were pretty hot and had a sexy accent. I would have gone home with you (hey, it's new years!) had you not turned out to be such an obnoxious creep. I don't know how it works in Ireland, but here are a few tips for us in Canada. 1. The way to a girls heart is not to ask her if she is a lesbian simply because she doesn't enjoy your stumbly smelly drunk friend trying to grind with her when she is completely sober and there is no one else dancing. 2. The way to a girls heart is not to point out your hard-on to her every five seconds. Yes, I know it's there and yes it's mildly flattering. But we don't need to keep talking about it. Maybe you could have offered to buy me a drink or tell me I was pretty. 3. The way to a get a girl to come home with you is not to angrily storm into coat check, pushing over the rack of coats, cutting in front of a huge line of people and loudly demanding "THIS CHICKS COAT RIGHT NOW PLEASE BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF KNOW WHAT I MEAN OI?" 4. And...when I was taking care of my friend who was puking....it was so nice to have you there beside us in the alley, staring at us and asking me if "she was done yet" when I clearly already told you that you had blown your chances and that I was going to stay with my friend. Thanks for coming back multiple times and staring at us from around the corner when you thought we weren't looking. That's class right there. 5. Coming up to me later and yelling "IM GONNA FUCK YOUR FACE" was also much appreciated, the cherry on top of an otherwise excellent night!!!!11 The sad thing is the jerk who this is meant for probably won't see this ad and will continue sexually harrassing women during his stay in our country, but maybe someone else could use the pointers. Regardless, I had a pretty good time on NYE. It was nice to go out and spend it in the company of my best friend even though she was sick. You know who you are, love you! <ul> <li> Location: commercial drive <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T15:20:21-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1533217064.html obnoxious drunk irish guy at the workless party on NYE - w4m text ANTIQUE hand crank Womens vibrating dildo http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/njy/1533146369.html Amazing condition for being over (70 years old) but still works great . Was my great Grandma's, and passed down to my grandma, and then to my mother. my wife was not interested in it so I need to sell ASAP need money for christmas. --------------------thank you--------------------- Hennry j <ul> <li> Location: nutley park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T17:15:38-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/njy/1533146369.html ANTIQUE hand crank Womens vibrating dildo text To the diminutive lesbian who slept in my bed last night http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ahn/1533106287.html Hey it's me, the random guy you followed home like some sort of drunken puppy dog. First of all, thank you for not stealing my stuff while I was asleep. I woke up this morning and you were gone, but you left your North Face vest. Email me with your name and we'll figure out a way to get it back to you. I'm also curious as to why both pockets are filled with beer bottle caps. Are you going to glue them to a table top, or do you just hoard things? And I'm still kind of mad at you for preventing us both from going home with that girl we were making out with. I mean, that shit was in the bag til your drunk ass ruined it. sigh. Anyway, I'm giving your vest away to the shortest girl I know if you don't find this and message me. Good luck! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T16:40:34-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ahn/1533106287.html To the diminutive lesbian who slept in my bed last night text A quick note about boobs - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1512045176.html Memo to Female Readers -- I'm just curious if you know this -- guys will do pretty much anything in order to play with your boobs. You know this already, right? Sometimes I wonder, given all the emotional and logistical acrobatics you go through. In fact, if you end your MC posts with ..."oh, and you can play with my boobs, too," you'll most likely find what you're looking for. That's when the real misery and disappointment begins, however, but that's outside the scope of this quick, heartfelt, holiday memo. Okay. Carry on. Love, Michael <ul> <li> Location: interoffice memo <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-15T19:26:38-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1512045176.html A quick note about boobs - m4w text Teach me how to kiss - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1508509987.html I need a guy to teach me how to kiss. Ideally, it shouldn’t last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out. I’ll give you five dollars, so it’ll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there’s a recession going on. Who wouldn’t want five dollars in times like these? If money doesn’t appeal to you, I’d be more than happy to do your homework for you (I’m Asian). I prefer a guy who doesn’t have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder. Also, it’d be nice if you’re not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs). Just a warning, there’s a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss. Please don’t take offense, and you can keep the five dollars. Please respond with a picture, I want to make sure you don’t have any lesions or swollen lymph nodes. :) <ul> <li> Location: Virginia Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-13T16:44:45-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1508509987.html Teach me how to kiss - w4m text We shared a cab, you hit me in the face. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1505676272.html Hi! I am almost 100% positive you remember me. I was standing in the cab line for about 15 minutes in 1 degree weather, and then you and your girlfriend ran in front of me in the cab line right as my cab, that I had been waiting so long for out in the ball shivering cold, arrived. Now I admit, I am a nice guy, and women get to take advantage of me quite often, but that said I haven't been laid in months, and when that happens, I somehow feel that the goddess of feminine nurture and chivalry can... how do I put this? Suck my six inch piano player. This is the point where I told the cabby what you girls did, and informed him that he was throwing away the very long cab ride to Erie as well as his moral saint 1-month chip. At this point he had the very bad... very bad idea to give me (a drunken narcissist, in the right) a ride with the girls who shunted me most literally to the curb. This is where the sh*t show began. Your friend and you are both very attractive, but nevertheless I have become accustomed to, when necessary, seeing only the ugly souls of the monsters who arrogantly think they can get whatever they want. The cussing, the womanizing, the abuse, the screaming, and everything that ensued for the next 15 minutes, is unlike me. However I was not alone in this endevor, in fact I would go as far as to say that it was YOU two who did most of the screaming, and abusing. Nevertheless I stood up to the both of you. I let you know exactly how sh*tty it was to leave a stranger to freeze for the sake of your own toes. And although I am a tired soul, tired of fighting petty battles with girls, there are times when the wild thing from my youth finds the perfect combination of irritation and gravel to carve a path to the surface and cuss you the f*ck out. So I did. Somewhere along the way you hit me, good and hard across the face for addressing you by your lady parts. I probably deserved it. But even so, when your friend got out of the car, the attitude from the back seat was cut in half. This reduction in calamity is what made me flip around, to see you face to face for the next 10 minute drive to your home, perched on my knees, and just listen. I watched as you blasted me with insults and be-ration, never admitting nor denying that you intended to leave me on the cold cabby curb.Your visage melted from rage into a pool of confusion as I just sat there and listened. By the end, you were reduced to a puddle of tears, and as gratifying as it was, it is these empty moments that remind me why I hush my inner child to sleep, and open the door for you, and hold your purse, and buy you presents, and walk your dog, and keep you warm, and give you kind smiles. When you exited the cab, my body took me over, I hopped out and gave a "Hey!". You turned around, and I threw my arms out. "I'm Sorry!". You sheepishly just looked to me, and through the tears came a genuine moment. A deep smile. Full of the confusion and joy that comes with being twenty-something. I just wanted to say I appreciated that smile. In it, you told me that you were okay, that we are only human, that you value people over right and wrong. Expect to have a beer on me if I ever see you again..... <ul> <li> Location: cab stand on pearl <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-11T13:01:15-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1505676272.html We shared a cab, you hit me in the face. - m4w text To the slow winter drivers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/yup/1504407529.html Are you intimidated by winter driving? What the hell are you doing up here then? Do you know where you are? This isn't the fucking jungle or desert. You inevitably pull out in front of me when there's no one behind me, and you could've waited another 15 seconds to not make anyone slam on their brakes on ice and snow. You then continue to drive really slow, say less than half the speed limit. No one in their right mind would pass someone on roads with a 2 ft snow drift in the median during a snow storm. So, I'm stuck behind you until you pull into whatever casino, bingo hall, party, or wherever you're headed that's OK be late to. Yes, I realize that driving on slippery roads and in low visibility can be scary, so I appreciate you driving within your limits. However, don't pull out in front of a car when you know you're not going to at least go the speed limit! Just wait another 30 seconds maybe (since you obviously aren't in a hurry anyway), and you won't ruin someone elses' day. Also, when you see a line of cars 30-50 deep trapped behind you, you don't have to speed up, no, but you SHOULD pull over to let some by. You're obviously doing a really shitty job of setting the pace on this "not-safe-for-passing" road. Do us ALL a favor and let us get to our families, jobs, and real obligations, and pull the fuck over for fuck's sake! It's a common courtesy. If the shoulder has been replaced by a 14 ft wall of plowed snow (as we all know happens up here), find a decently plowed side road to pull on to for a minute. Don't be surprised or offended when you get 25 middle fingers and 37 horns out of the 50 cars you fucked for the last hour and a half that are now passing you. Here are some tips for you that will make both of our lives easier: 1. Your winter driving confidence will grow 10 fold if you get rid of that 1994 Buick front wheel drive and get something with all wheel drive. You don't need a huge truck or SUV, but just something that actually gets some traction. Try a used Subaru. They're all wheel drive, cheap, and fuel efficient. 2. Go practice in an empty parking lot, and see what exactly your limits are and those of your vehicle. You won't get arrested for sliding around an empty parking lot Sunday evening outside of town. 3. You don't want to give up your front wheel drive Buick? Get some snow tires! At least for the front two wheels, but better yet all of your wheels could use them. You will be amazed at what a good set of snow tires actually do for your driving and confidence. There's a reason why they're popular up here. 4. Wait until the last car passes before pulling on to the road. See above. Shit! 5. Stay the fuck home! Visibility to low? Too windy? Icy roads? Then don't drive to the casino to lose another $200 bucks out of your $300 paycheck and jeopardize the roads for the rest of us. Stay home and watch game shows and beat your wife/husband/dog or whatever you sleep with at night. 6. Don't like option #5? Take a cab! Believe it or not, these guys are good at winter driving. They do this for a living and they're really quite nice people. Besides, the cab ride to the casino or bingo hall will only cost a fraction of what you'll lose once you get there. Plus you save the embarrassment of getting flipped off by grandma in the Ford Expedition while passing you. 7. Move to the South. I bet you'd fit in there anyway. Not sure what their casino scene is like, but you'll find some other unintelligent way to lose money. You can keep your Buick, too! I realize the people who are actually the offenders are probably not going to read this, at least not many of them. First you have to get a computer. Then resist the urge to pawn it for casino money. If you know any of these assholes, tell them what you think about following them at 20 mph on Highway 41 or M28 for two goddamn hours. Thanks! I'll see you on the road! <ul> <li> Location: Western UP <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-10T17:49:30-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/yup/1504407529.html To the slow winter drivers text for your enjoyment http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time. So it was fun while it lasted! " <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1502156330.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Kentwood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-09T11:32:12-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html for your enjoyment text Our Connection is Over http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1501848067.html I post this to an open forum, to purge these words from me so they can exist somewhere concrete, out in the Universe, instead of eating away at the corner of my mind when it gets dark and everyone else goes home with whoever they're loving or fucking or both if they're lucky. But it's winter now, so the season of long patio nights and random hookups and breathlessly exciting flings and sweaty sheets and sleepless nights has officially come to a close until the next turn of the seasons. In short, I can no longer distract myself from your absence. You were my best friend. There were others before, and others after, but most of them only served to help me situate and recognize your importance in my life. If ever I get that close to another, I fear they will know me only as I am now, and not as how I got here. You have been my reflection, borne witness to me, helped me gauge my own growth in this long and convoluted life. Four different cities for you, two for me. Two countries on opposite sides of the world in different hemispheres. Plane tickets, train rides, international calling plans, endless conversation, anticipation, disappointment, breakups, makeups, death. Four years. My entire University career. I am indelibly marked with your presence. And now nothing. I felt no more fireworks when we kissed. I pulled away, sickened with myself for trying to fake it. I couldn't fuck you like I meant it anymore. You noticed. You left. And now, I am not lost. I am not sad and I am not afraid. But something has died. I do not love, or laugh, or notice color. I hate the music you like now. I hate myself for not loving you enough. You did nothing wrong, except maybe love me too much, too well. Even at the end, when our hearts were so twisted up we were spitting words unrecognizable to each other, even then you were too good to say what we were both thinking- that I won't find anyone else who loved me as you did. And you're right. Because the kind of love I had with you, the one that remakes your soul into something better, and forces you to recognize and honor the humanity in another person- that kind of love isn't what I'm looking for. I'm going for the cheap ones now. The guys with square jaws and big arms and small brains. They haven't read any philosophy, or possess the gift of playful banter, or looked me in the eyes and focused on my soul. I am not doing Us justice. I am taking the easy way. I am disgusting myself. This is what's meant by falling out of love with someone. This is why half the world walks around heartbroken, glazed over, given up. I almost put that ring on and pretended everything was ok, but you didn't smell right anymore. What Now. <ul> <li> Location: Calgary <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-09T03:11:57-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1501848067.html Our Connection is Over text Be my John Roberts - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1500258239.html You're cordial to me when we see each other around school or at the bars, but I'm looking for more than a "hello" and a smile these days. I need a little something to relieve some stress during exams. Be my Chief Justice and grant cert to this appeal (for hot, hot loving). You: Mid twenties, sort of messy parted brownish hair, dressed like a grownup frat boy, slightly nerdy (but hey, it's law school, I'm a sucker for bad jokes and watching Jeopardy before/after/during sex. "I'll take consent for $800 Alex."). Me: Same general age. If looks were grades, I'd probably be summering at a decent firm. Maybe not Wachtell, but certainly not DUI defense in Detroit either. I have a laptop, drink from a reusable water bottle, and sometimes wear Uggs to school when I'm studying. If you feel the same way (and want to join me for some Rule 19 Joinder of Parties), go to Phyllis's desk and ask if she knows where to find a good hornbook. She'll give you all the information you need. <ul> <li> Location: Vanderbilt Law Library <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-08T05:09:52-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1500258239.html Be my John Roberts - w4m text Candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1498153362.html In the spirit of the season, I thought I’d create a holiday-themed quiz to weed out the bad elves. After all, nothing says Christmas like craigslist, right? 1. We’re having drinks at a Belgian bar on our first date, and we both get too tipsy (darn that Tripel Karmeliet). You realize we’re in no condition to continue to conduct an adult conversation, so you suggest: a.) we keep our plans to go see The Nutcracker and insist the alcohol won’t help put us to sleep. b.) we head to Koreatown, get even tipsier, and end up doing something we both regret (although let’s be honest here: do you ever really regret belting out Bohemian Rhapsody with tambourine backup?). c.) we head to your apartment to hook up. d.) we end our date right there so I don’t think you’re taking advantage of me. 2. I have a holiday party to attend in Hoboken this weekend and I ask you to come with me. You say: a.) “Sure, sounds like a great time! I can’t wait to travel under that glorious river connecting two beautiful cities. What time should I meet you?” b.) “Hoboken? Um. You know that’s in New Jersey, don’t you? Okay, fine, I’ll go...but you owe me.” c.) “No way, babe. I’m not allowed to leave Manhattan under punishment of death.” d.) “Of course I’ll go!” but at the last second develop a mysterious illness. 3. We’re planning to go ice skating in Central Park, but we wake up to a bitterly cold, yet rainy day. You: a.) try to convince me to go anyway because we can still have a good time even if our socks are wet and the only other people on the ice are those five year old hockey kids who speed by making you fear for your life. b.) come up with an alternate plan that involves take-out, hot cocoa, and a whole lot of not getting out of bed. c.) use the weather as an excuse to cancel our plans and hang out with a friend who just asked you to do something else. d.) are secretly glad (because you’ve hated ice skating ever since the time you fell and someone skated over your hand) but pretend to be just as upset about it as I am. 4. My good friend has been planning her New Year’s Eve party since June. I’m being unreasonable and trying to get you to come to my party even though you go to your friend’s every year. You handle my crankiness by: a.) coming to my party and helping the host set up two hours before even though she isn’t dressed yet. b.) going to your friend’s party but promising to show up to mine ten minutes before midnight and stay the rest of the night. c.) calling me un-holiday-spirited names and ignoring my apology texts until 2am when you ask me to come to your apartment. d.) coming to my party just so I won’t be angry. 5. Next Christmas I ask if you want to come to Ohio with me to visit my family. You decide to: a.) go, bearing presents for all of my siblings, an expensive piece of jewelry for me, and a question for my father. b.) fly in the day after Christmas so you can see where I got my tendency to speak loudly (it’s not yelling) and we can still make it back to the city for New Year’s. c.) freak out because I’m smothering you and decide maybe you’re not ready for this level of commitment (and anyway, Ohio? Really?). d.) not bring up the issue until the flights are just too expensive to be worth it. 6. You scrolled down to see my picture before taking this quiz because: a.) you wanted to know what color ribbon to put on the jingle bell necklace you’re making for me. b.) you wanted to make sure I was cute enough to fare well on the hot crazy scale. c.) you wanted to see if I was hot enough to warrant answering “c” for question 1. d.) nonsense! You didn’t scroll down first. Why would I automatically assume that? Your finger just slipped on the mouse. Scoring: Give yourself 3 points for each a., 2 for each b., 1 for each c., and 0 for each d. 0-3: I’m sure you’re a lot of fun when you’re not busy being a dishonest version of what you think girls want. Don’t worry though, because some elves like their partners to appear perfect in public and silently resent them at home. 4-9: Since I took the time to write this quiz, I’m clearly already way more dedicated to our relationship than you are. But it’s okay; I have faith that you will encounter plenty of elves throughout your life who will be thrilled by the challenge and try desperately to change you. 10-15: If you wanted to write me an email that used proper spelling and contained at least five coherent sentences, I’d be happy to stop talking about elves and meet in person at some point. Especially if you’re far from looking like an elf—pointy ears are fine, but I’d love it if you were at least 6’ (because I am close to it). 16-18: You either lied about your answers or are a perfect human being. Either way I’m not interested, but I’m sure somewhere out there is an excessively eager, continually optimistic little elf who will be overjoyed to meet you. BONUS QUESTIONS: True or False: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. Fill in the blank: The most delicious holiday treat is__________. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-06T20:09:21-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1498153362.html Candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup text Jealous, controlling 300gb high-speed USB 2.0 hard disk http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1498137500.html I've long since upgraded from this unique Buffalo 300gb USB 2.0 external hard disk, and now my loss can possibly be yours, too. I bought this disk around 2005, and it was amazingly massive at the time. What wonderful times we had! Happily storing and retrieving everything I sent over her 480mbit/sec high-speed USB 2.0 link, and me happily accessing it at later dates. But as time went on, my eye turned outwards. There were so many newer, prettier hard drives out there. I admit it, I dallied. I bought a 250gb portable drive - I rationalized it. It was smaller than this one. I only needed it for when I went out. I'd always come home to my faithful Buffalo. Emboldened by this success, I became quite the rake. First came a pair of identical 500gb Seagate twins, then their younger cousin, a 500gb portable. No matter how much I had, my wanton lust for storage would not be quenched. I became irresponsible, and was known to have immodest flings. I once bought quite a tart of a 1tb disk. I spent the day with her, then returned her to the shop in the morning. Meanwhile, the Buffalo faithfully put up with it. And then, she started exhibiting some disturbing… inconsistencies. I would plug her in, dutifully waiting for the icon to appear on my desktop. I'd wait, and wait, and wait. I sometimes waited for hours or days, peering at my desktop with slavish attention, groveling for access to my miserable data. She was showing me who was really in control here, and exerting its power. I wanted to leave, but it wouldn't let me. Every time I thought about it, I'd remember all the good times we had - and more importantly, my data, which it jealously guarded. The end came unexpectedly for her, though I planned it long in advance. I spent a full two weeks sweet-talking. I put her back in a prominent position on my desk, letting the other disks know who was my favorite. We wined and dined, and I showered her with chocolate and roses. One evening, after a particularly romantic night out at Ruth's Chris, I politely asked for access to my files. And she complied… opened right up. I rushed in and plundered every miserable byte, leaving her magnetic surfaces a desolate, empty expanse. Things haven't been the same between us. They never can be. Despite all our time together, good and bad, it's time to set her free. I hope you treat each other better than we did. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-06T16:56:44-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1498137500.html Jealous, controlling 300gb high-speed USB 2.0 hard disk text The guy who lives below me . . . - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1497137622.html You and your girlfriend live in the apartment below me. I came home about 20 minutes ago and could easily see you bent over the couch getting banged by a dude in your living room. Next time be sure to close your vertical blinds all the way when getting nailed with the lights on, or at least angle them away from the parking lot, or maybe take it into the bedroom. FYI: I hooked up with the same dude a year ago, and though he's got a pretty big tool, he did give me crabs. Yes, I'm sure it is the same dude. His tattoos are unmistakable. Anyway, I suggest a full bottle of Rid-X before the girlfriend gets back in town. <ul> <li> Location: Raleigh -- Lake Boone Trail <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-06T01:00:08-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1497137622.html The guy who lives below me . . . - m4m text Once Upon A Hanson Fan http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/inl/1496670189.html When I was fifteen, I really thought I'd marry Taylor Hanson. No, not just like every other fifteen-year-old Hanson fan, circa 1995, but REALLY. Plan failed. Now I've found my old, embarrassing collection of Hanson crap and I want it out of my house. Here's what your new collection includes: - Ten or so VHS tapes of Hanson appearances, including two official Hanson-released tour videos, "Tulsa, Tokyo & The Middle of Nowhere" & "The Road to Albertane." (My mother cannot be blamed for encouraging this obsession.) - A cassette tape of Hanson radio interviews, songs, crap, etc. (I win for most devoted fan.) - Four cd cases (cds not included) of their first-released albums. (Sorry, but I still rock out to their Christmas album, "Snowed In.") - Two BIG albums FULL of Hanson clippings, posters, other crap, etc. (Except the one my mom tore up because I refused to sing my older sister "Happy Birthday" one year.) If you or any of your "friends" love, once loved, or plan to eventually love this band, PLEASE take this stuff off my hand. It holds enough sentimental value that I don't want to just chuck it into my recyclables bin, and god knows Goodwill won't appreciate the hard work that went into this collection. I mean shit, if you even SORT OF like Hanson, or just want to give your boss the most awesome of joke gifts. TAKE IT. And immediately. I will hand it over happily. Even if you just want to see it all out of morbid curiosity and plan on giving it to a homeless person... Well, no, don't do that. That's mean. Just take my crap. <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1496670189.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Redlands <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-05T13:58:35-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/inl/1496670189.html Once Upon A Hanson Fan text 1500 live ladybugs, accidently bought while drunk, feels bad. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1496543734.html So, after consuming pot brownies and getting a little too drunk on thanksgiving a friend and i decided to buy 1500 live ladybugs from amazon, which was a great idea until they came in the mail. Now they're sitting on my windowsill and I have nothing to really do with them. If i set them free they'll die in this weather, if I leave them on my windowsill they'll die. So, if you have a greenhouse or some kind of animals to feed them to it'd be awesome. I don't want to ruin 1500 lives. Email me and tell me what your'e gonna do with them, and if you can come pick them up. And they're yours. <ul> <li> Location: park slope <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-05T15:34:29-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1496543734.html 1500 live ladybugs, accidently bought while drunk, feels bad. text Wanted-- babysitter for druggies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1495706618.html My boyfriend and I like to experiment with various recreational chemicals, but sometimes when we're coming down (like now) we don't want to go out, but we really really really want some sort of obscure, horrible fast food item. We used to have a friend that would bring us stuff and not expect much in return, but he moved away. We would like a replacement for him. We don't want to DO drugs with you, but we are perfectly willing to hook you up or bake you cookies (when we're sober) or listen to you whine about how no girls like you (as our old Tender of the Druggies did). We don't want you to stay overly long, either. Bring us stuff, chill for maybe fifteen minutes (longer if we aren't obviously exchanging looks or hinting about how tired we are or how NO WE DO NOT WANT A CUDDLE THREESOME), be on your way. We are chill people and really would like to be your friend, but this works better if you are some sort of unlikable loser, eager to please and be accepted, have lots of spare time and few friends, and are socially retarded in some other manner-- thus you are fine with an abusive, exploitative relationship of you fetching us NOMS. Anyway, hunger is becoming a serious problem after all this 2c-i so we are off to fix that. Please let us know if you would like to assist us with this endeavor in the future. We are conveniently located in downtown Ann Arbor. Nacah is Hebrew.... for adventure. <ul> <li> Location: ann arbor <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-04T23:59:58-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1495706618.html Wanted-- babysitter for druggies text Personal assistant to naturist couple http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1494039096.html Successful, well-established couple, mid-30s (she's a film editor, he's a novelist) seek a shared personal assistant to cover a wide range of tasks and responsibilities, some related to work (scheduling meetings, making travel arrangements, categorizing and responding to incoming e-mail, etc.), and some to personal matters (shopping, organizing the apartment, various other day-to-day needs, ). No children; no pets. We're not certain exactly how many hours per week we require, but it will not be less than 20, and we're prepared to guarantee 20 as a minimum, at $20-25 per hour. We're looking for someone enthusiastic, intelligent and self-motivated who is also an excellent communicator. There is one other element (as noted in the headline) that applicants need to be aware of and comfortable with: We are both naturists and accordingly often go nude in our apartment. There is no sexual aspect to this at all nor any element of exhibitionism, merely a matter of personal comfort. Anyone who works in our home simply needs to be prepared to see both of us fully or partially naked at various times. This is not an unpleasant sight (we are both entirely ordinary looking, neither staggeringly attractive nor especially unattractive) and should quickly become routine - but obviously this would not be a good position for anyone who is uncomfortable around nudity. (You do not have to go nude yourself at any time, though of course you'd be welcome to if you wanted. You merely have to be comfortable with our doing so.) If you're interested in the position, please send your resume and a brief note describing your interest and any relevant previous experience you've had. <ul> <li> Location: Upper West Side <li> Compensation: $20-25/hour <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-03T21:53:41-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1494039096.html Personal assistant to naturist couple text Handsome ProLifer, it just won't work. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1493509320.html You were standing outside of the planned parenthood on Professional Drive. As I walked by you tried to hand me a flyer asking if I wanted "some information on Planned Parenthood." I declined your literature, but thanked you for your concern. And may I say, you are one smokin' hot stud. It makes me sad that it would never work between us. You wouldn't want me to have affordable, accessible birth control, and when you knocked me up because of it, you'd rather we bring a child into an unhealthy relationship that was obviously doomed from the start than allow me to purchase emergency contraceptives. It's a shame though, because I know you were out there in the cold with your right to life sign believing in your heart that you were doing good. Problem is, all the people who work in that building you were standing in front of believe in their hearts that they're doing good too. And we'll never change one another's minds. <ul> <li> Location: outside of planned parenthood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-03T15:43:10-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1493509320.html Handsome ProLifer, it just won't work. - w4m text its Jared here, with COUCH-WOW http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1490581754.html Hey Folks, Jared here. I have a terific new product here to show you.. ITS COUCH-WOW.... and for a limited time only you too can enjoy this wonderful couch. AND ITS YOURS FREE.... thats right for just 3 easy payments of $0.00 you too can have this couch.. its a great deal.. and its all yours FREE... BUT WAIT.. THERES MORE... email.now and ask about express pick up... thats right you can pick it up right now.. FOR FREE... BUT WAIT.. THERES MORE... for a limited time only ... cause you know i cant do this all day... for the first emailer to ask.. I WILL HELP YOU LOAD IT INTO YOUR TRUCK... FOR FREE.... now you ask how this deal can get any better.. well here it is... again for a limited time only.. i will also throw in the places where the CATS SCRATCHED THE COUCH... unbeleivable?... I KNOW.. but its all yours for free.. email now.. our operators are standing by <ul> <li> Location: Coquitlam <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-01T15:43:46-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1490581754.html its Jared here, with COUCH-WOW text Restaurant Seeks Sous Chef - POSITION CLOSED, but for the haters... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1488288251.html This position has been filled, but never in my life have I ever received so much hate from a job posting, and I just want to make a few comments. The original posting remains below. 1) For all of those who wished me ill for being such a taker, bastard, and dumb ass for offering minimum wage, you'll be pleased to know that I actually pay more than minimum. That was just a way to weed out all the people too proud to work at that wage. I want people who view their job as more than just a paycheck; that want to be part of something bigger. I take very good care of my crew and they are extremely loyal. And I am very proud to actually be creating jobs in this economy. 2) I anecdotally heard through the vine that I somehow offended the crews at F2F and Jory for saying they had nice six-figure kitchens. I don't know how that ruffled feathers and as far as I'm concerned we're all in this boat together, so good for you for being in sweet set-ups. I only wish I could be as well equiped as you. 3) For all of you that understood my ad and gave me great responses, including the people that commented on it even though they weren't interested or qualified for the job, thanks for being part of a better culinary culture and wanting this valley to progress. Maybe I'll send you all invites to our soft opening when we're ready. Thanks! The Original Posting: I’m the chef/owner of a new start-up restaurant in Newberg aiming for “Affordable Fine Dining,” and am looking for a sous chef/assistant to help me in the kitchen. I’m putting together a small, tight knit staff that needs to work well together, so it is important that you have both awesome kitchen skills as well as the right personality to play nice in the sandbox. First and foremost you must have a passion for fine food and wine, and secondly have an incredible work ethic and sense of efficiency, while at the same time not being a prima donna – at all. I structure my kitchen as a team instead of assigned positions, so you’ll be expected to do a little of everything, from cleaning and dishes and garbage detail to prep and working the line for service. You must be super reliable. You are part of a very small team and are not replaceable on short notice. If you have chronic car problems, get sick all the time, or can’t work an alarm clock, don’t reply to this ad. A big part of the job is keeping me clean and organized. Not that I am a pig, but having someone working with me setting up my next task and finishing my last maximizes my productivity. At the same time you’ll also be expected to be able to think for yourself and work independently. You will be allowed to gravitate towards your strengths and be encouraged to learn new skills. Speaking of learning, you’ll learn a lot. I’m a good teacher and have been doing this for a while. A couple of years with me beats $50,000 in student loans (and if you happen to already have those loans I’ll still be happy to consider you). It’s all about the atmosphere. I run a calm yet pumping kitchen. No throwing, yelling, or screaming; no FOH/BOH battles; no panicking, freaking out, or otherwise losing it. Instead we are professional, focused, in good humor, and all working towards the same goal – putting out great food, satisfying our clients, having a good time, kicking ass, and making some money. We’re cool, in control, and have our shit together. Kindness, respect, and civility are the order of the day (except for the swearing like pirates part). Historically I have hired a statistically more significant number of women than men, for whatever that is worth. You need to be somewhat local. If you are commuting from Vancouver or NoPo it’s probably not going to work out. I’m in Newberg. No Vegetarians or Vegans. As far as I know I’m still legally allowed to discriminate against veggies, and if that offends you, you probably don’t want to work for me. And it’s not that I don’t like vegetables; I just can’t wrap my head around someone loving food and not eating tasty animals. Unlike some of the restaurants that have opened in Yamhill county recently (F2F, Jory, etc.), I’m not working with an unlimited budget, so you won’t be working out of a pristine six-figure kitchen facility. But you’ll learn how to make a ghetto kitchen sing, which has some value. The starting pay is minimum wage, with maybe a bit of an increase if you have some special skills. Yeah, all of the above expectations and minimum wage. I would love to pay my crew more, but I am unapologetically a start-up, and until I generate some income everyone works for minimum. Pay rates will increase when the economy improves. But, no kidding, we’re going to be really big in no time (and that is not naive exuberance talking). The current benefit package is free food and a bottomless bottle of Advil. I’ve got a kick-ass waitstaff in place, and am ready to shore up my kitchen staff, and then we are ready to rock. If this tirade sounds anything like you, send me an appropriate response! <ul> <li> Location: Newberg <li> Compensation: Minimum Wage - Yeehaa! <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-30T10:20:34-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1488288251.html Restaurant Seeks Sous Chef - POSITION CLOSED, but for the haters... text Seeking Eunuch http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1486755048.html I have been in the pornographic films industry for several years and I'm so sick and tired of dicks I can hardly stand it! If you have no genitals or are willing to have them removed then you may be the man for me. I do not like and absolutely refuse to take part in any of the following: blowjobs rimjobs footjobs buttjobs vaginajobs dirty sanchez blumpkins strawberry shortcake flaming dragon Houdini donkey punch cincinati bowtie gasmask hot lunch golden showers cleaveland steamer the Paul Rubins gramma sophie's curtains the Pittsburg landfill I'm a mac and I'm a pc how to lose a guy in ten gays or any other sexual act of any kind. If this sounds like your idea of a good time then get in touch. serious inquiries only. No weirdos please. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-29T12:52:48-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1486755048.html Seeking Eunuch text re: 'Abnormal sex' http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ith/1486356369.html In most any circumstance, when I come across an outlandish spewing of rigid opinions presented as absolute facts, I merely roll my eyes and dismiss it. This is incredibly common. However, it seems I’ve had the misfortune of missing the diatribes earlier this week on ‘abnormal sex’ and the ad hominems that followed. Since it seems popular to decide that anyone taking a position on this issue must also fall into an easily labeled stereotype, perhaps it would be best to skip a few posts/labels and proffer some information: I am a straight Caucasian male. I have written three extensive papers on DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) and the many anti-same-sex marriage policies it has inspired throughout our country in all levels of government and society; two of which are being prepped for publishing. I was introduced to serious sexual study by a former Professor who is an ordained Reverend and earned his PhD in Sexual Ethics of Christianity (or possibly Catholicism). I have lectured and tutored at Cornell in Human Sexuality and Sexual Ethics – which is also to state that I have led a very active and varied sex life. My meaning is not to enter this fray and stomp on anyone, but rather to attempt to educate and/or inject some truths into many of the common myths I’ve seen argued in this thread. I’m not going to try to put a whole semester’s worth of information in just one post, but I’ll loosely try to cover some basics. ‘Abnormal Sex’ Sodomy is as misunderstood as it is misapplied largely due to expressions of male homophobia. Contrary to common belief, sodomy is not at all limited to anal penetration; even if that seems to be the focus of almost all anti-homosexual rhetoric. Sodomy is almost any sort of sexual activity that isn’t penile-vaginal. Your ex-gf ever give you a blow-job? Ever lick a clit? Ever tried heterosexual anal sex? When you were little, did you think the Daisy Duck with the ‘come fuck me’ look was kinda hot? All of them are sodomy. Yep… bestiality, too, is sodomy. Since someone out there is going to be tempted to break out Genesis 18-20, allow me to do it first: sodomy is derived from the Ecclesiastical Latin term ‘peccatum Sodomiticum’, the ‘sin of Sodom’. However, this association is based on what theologians and sexologists both deem sexual depravity; which is not, by any stretch of the imagination, limited to male homosexual sex. But this leads nicely into the next point… ‘Sex for Procreation / Religious Purpose of Sex’ Immanuel Kant, Sir Thomas Moore, Jerry Falwell, ….and quite a host of others have gotten this message all kinds of wrong. And to an extent, this was understandable. Up until the discovery of the X and Y genes, it was scientifically believed (largely based on theological influence) that ejaculate contained a very tiny man that would grow in a woman’s womb – and that it was a fault of care by the pregnant woman if she should deliver a girl, as she must have damaged the baby while carrying it. As our consciences were informed by our philosophical and spiritual leadership throughout Western civilization for thousands of years, it is difficult to let go of the ‘immorality’ of ‘wasting sperm’. Of those that rigidly take the stance of sexual behavior being for procreation and thus, homosexuality or casual sex wholly immoral – only Kant makes an allowance for ejaculation absent an attempt for pregnancy: nocturnal emissions. Wet dreams aren’t murder. More to the point, though - only rigidly fundamentalist Christians (that haven’t been caught paying male prostitutes for homosexual sex) loudly claim that sex is strictly for procreation. Not even radical Muslims nor even Hasidic Jews make such a claim. The most God-fearing Catholic Cardinals don’t say this either (another popular myth) – and for good reason: The Song of Solomon, the Song of Songs…. often theologically interpreted as an allegorical representation, it is also an eloquently GRAPHIC exchange between a man and a woman wherein the woman asks the man to give her oral sex until she climaxes on his face, and then he is to ride off, still smelling of her. Go ahead – draw out the visuals the song describes, line by line, on a piece of paper. Not so much as one word about procreation. And the Cardinals attending the Muratorian Canon (where the Holy Bible was put together) and Council of Laodicea in 363A.D. agreed. Sex was also pleasurable – and one could cultivate a virtuous and spiritual existence by recognizing it. The Council of Hippo (A.D. 393) and the Council of Carthage (A.D. 397) also both affirmed these findings and left the Song of Songs in the Bible. And yes, it was mentioned that it encourages what was earlier deemed to be ‘sexual deviance’ in Genesis… at all three Councils. A little tidbit homophobes have overlooked when writing anti-sodomy laws. Buddhists, Shinto’s, Zen, Confucius’… all major religions and philosophies in the world since the written word have acknowledged that sex is pleasurable and, exercised within certain perimeters, is healthy for the moral and spiritual being of a person even when not for procreation. ‘Sexual Depravity and Abnormal Sex’ So what is sexual depravity and/or abnormal sex? First, you should dispel the notion that the two are in any way connected. Abnormal sex is a useless term altogether. Since the dawn of time, human beings around the world have studied and experimented and educated others in sexuality – publicly shunned and privately praised. There’s nothing you’ve ever thought of doing, or seen or even heard about doing that wasn’t done thousands of years ago and likely published. The Kama Sutra was originally compiled in the 2nd century and contains over 1200 verses in 36 chapters. Ancient Egyptians prayed to different gods and goddesses each with a minor attribute of sexuality. In both the Roman and Greek Empires, people would pay to have sex with the priest or priestess (homosexual or heterosexual sex) in order to commune with the gods. In Shinto (Japanese religion), sex is seen as a pleasurable way to display affection as well as to create children. But here’s the most important societal truth to walk away with: the most successful tester and determining factor for technological advancements throughout human history? Human sexuality. If there’s a new technology to communicate ideas or thoughts, sexual study or expression is the first to test it on a mass scale. Largest industry on the Internet? Online Porn. HDDVD or Blu-Ray? Porn studios/publishers BETAMAX or VHS? Porn studios. Word Processors, Type-writers, the printing press and type-block print? Erotica pamphlets and literature. So – what is sexual depravity then? Sexual depravity can be the denial of sexual identity or expression; because we are all sexual beings, biologically created to want and desire sexual gratification as well as procreate. Subconsciously affected by pheromones, dopamine, oxytocin, and a host of other chemicals we send to one another in our constant bid for sex. The vast preponderance of scientific evidence supports what I believe is common sense – you have very little control over who you’re attracted to or why on a primal level because you are genetically wired to be that way. The other two forms of sexual depravity are inter-related because they both revolve around the sexual objectification of others. The first is direct objectification. It’s leading someone on for self-gratification only or treating someone as a sexual object without mutual acknowledgment and consideration. It’s a cheating wife or a boyfriend that withholds sex for control. It’s also an emotional affair. But most importantly – it is treating your sexuality as private, instead of personal…. it’s locking your bedroom door instead of just closing it. When everyone else is locked out of your sexual expression and ideas, it opens the path to objectification. This leads us to the last form of sexual depravity: the people that objectify the sexuality or sexual identity of strangers for their own indignant gratification. In short – if it’s not affecting you or the people you are responsible to, IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, PERVERT. For the three of you that actually read all of this – have a good Sunday. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-29T07:51:09-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ith/1486356369.html re: 'Abnormal sex' text Need to get pregnant fast by clean educated man - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/fyv/1485069882.html Looking for a light skinned man to get me pregnant this coming weekend or early next week. You will need light brown blonde or red hair. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for months now and my doctor says I'm fine so it must be him--it would kill him not to have kids. Be drug and disease free. I figure we can try a couple of times while I'm visiting this week and hopefully I will be pregnant for my flight back home. Send a couple of pictures of yourself, especially want nude pics--can't do this if I'm not attracted to you. And tell me a bit about yourself. <ul> <li> Location: Bentonville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-28T08:32:55-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/fyv/1485069882.html Need to get pregnant fast by clean educated man - w4m text My guy is Cheating on me with X-Box 360 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1484925978.html Ok, I know I'm not perfect. Nobody is. But seriously, I try really hard to be a good girl-friend. I don't send endless, paranoid texts messages to Mr. Guy (as I will refer to him), will try anything in bed - seriously, I've never said no to anything with him, and I have never mentioned "meeting the parents," "our future" or even said, "Could you help me with my car?" Nada. I almost always insist on us paying our own way at dinner or movie - look, we're both broke and I'm not looking for handouts. Plus? I HATE chic-flicks more than any guy, so as a girl friend? I would say I am above average. Yet, despite all this, Mr. Guy decided to break the bond we shared once X-Box 360 moved into his roommate's house. Suddenly, lying in bed at midnight, I'm thinking he's going to go in for the kiss, but NO! He whispers in my ear, "One more round of Modern Warfare and I'll be back up. You just rest here." I wake up alone hours later, sneak downstairs and find him making violent thumb war love to the X Box controls, rapidly touching that controller in a way he never did me - super sensitively, but with a firm control. ARG! Screw you, X Box 360 WHORE! At first I thought, a couple weeks and the fascination will end. It's a new toy, he is a BOY, and... it's Seattle. I think the term "geek-out" came about because it's ATMOSPHERIC here. Yet, here we are. It's been more than a couple of weeks. No end in sight. He's played over eight, nine, ten plus HOURS straight. I try to be a good sport, really. I've played a couple games (terribly) but after the first week, his skills became so advanced that now I am merely "invited" over to watch him play. No more chatting in coffee shops, no more drinks on the hill, no more.... sex. It's gone. If I happen to bump into Mr. Guy during the day and ask him what he's doing that night, he says he has to "be somewhere." That "somewhere" is in his living room playing "live" with all his other buddies with X-Box 360. Oh wait, though, he's not ashamed of this affair. He strides in to tell me what new level he's made it with. How far and how much he can "score" with X Box 360. His facebook status? Is? A reflection of how he's doing on X Box 360. If X Box 360 is being moody and he can't impress X Box 360 enough to get to the next level... well, he suddenly is "pondering the meaning of life." He got to the next level? His facebook status is "life is awesome and everybody who doesn't savor every moment...." blah, blah, blah. Look, mr. Guy. If you put even half the amount of time into ANYTHING else other than X Box 360 - you know those dreams you had about making it big? YOU'D BE THERE BY NOW! I know there is no going back to the way we were before. I've seen it takeover the lives of my brothers, my brother's friends, Mr. Guy's friends.... I can't compete. It doesn't matter what lingerie I wear. This is the end. X Box 360 has worked her bitchy charms and you have fallen. I am only human, and apparently, so are you. <ul> <li> Location: Seattle <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-27T23:36:06-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1484925978.html My guy is Cheating on me with X-Box 360 text To the girl throwing up from her cab - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1484202580.html You were discharging a Thanksgiving days feast worth of vittles and booze onto the pavement of Market while I cheered you on from the car behind yours. You played your part perfectly: encumbering the city with freshly minted aromas of regurgitated cranberry sauce and vodka. I played mine with equal grace, impregnating the vacant morning air with the clamorous hootings of a drunkard. It was a moment we shared that we will always have. They can never take that away from us. Please don't ever change. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-27T11:47:59-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1484202580.html To the girl throwing up from her cab - m4w text Human Soul (black friday special) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/1483621873.html I am interested in selling my soul or trading it to someone that could help me acquire holiday gifts for myself and family. I have been short on cash due to the low amount of work available here in sunny Florida and would greatly appreciate the help. You will receive a contract and certificate of authenticity both will be signed in my own blood and will verify by name that you are the new owner of my soul. (this is not a joke i really am selling it!) you could use it to trade the devil for fame or riches (keep in mind that you don't have to give him your own soul), you could use it as a doormat you could give it away as a gift or resell it the options are endless! please help my family have a great holiday and buy my soul now! i will also trade for household items and electronics, car or truck, gas mopeds, ect. you get the idea. thank you and have a great holiday season! <ul> <li> Location: orlando <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-27T05:10:54-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/1483621873.html Human Soul (black friday special) text To the hipster dude who did my lesbian roommate that one time http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1483520590.html As much as I appreciate the zombie Mr. T you sketched (that is hung on our refrigerator, by the way), there are a few things we need to set straight. I had reservations about you from the beginning; I thought you might suffer from a chronic case of Cool Kid Syndrome. Despite my feminine appearance, I have a long history of having dated nerds/geeks. Some of them played table top RPGs, some were programmers, most of them were socially awkward. I am a nerd. I have mad nerd pride. I learn things for no good reason, think science is the coolest thing EVAR, sometimes snort when I laugh, and get the XKCD jokes. Perhaps it was the black-framed glasses and my state of well-groomedness, but you had somehow mistaken me for a Reg. And then you DISPARAGED MY PEOPLE. This is unforgivable. Nerds have long suffered at the hands of jocks and at the jabs of hipsters like yourself. I don't tolerate that shit. Weighing in at around 145 pounds and spending your days flipping through vinyls and sketching in your Moleskin leads me to believe that I can totally take you in a fist fight. Or simply mess up your faux hawk and send you packing on your fixed-gear, singing My Chemical Romance to yourself through the tears leaking out under your aviator sunglasses. From that moment on, I refused to talk to you. I stopped calling you by your name and, instead, began referring to you as "Toolbox." My roommate, who was desperate for attention, wanted to be friends with you. She scoffed at my suggestion that you were only hanging around to get in her pants. Her dating life has been not-so-great since we moved to Austin. She either skipped, or was asleep during, the life lesson on humility. That's fine for dudes because she has big knockers, but women have been less receptive, and I suspect that it has something to do with all conversations being steered towards her. As she is new to the whole "lesbian thing" I can forgive her for falling of the cootch wagon and sleeping with a guy or two along the trail. But why, oh sweet Jesus why, did it have to be you? After that one time you did my lesbian roommate, you didn't come a callin'. I sometimes lie awake at night and speculate... Was it just for the thrill of the lesbian conquest? Cock beats all? Or was it because she did the pretty girl I'm-going-to-lay-here-like-a-dead-fish-while-you-do-me thing? I accept that correlation does not necessarily indicate causation but I'm highly suspicious of your intentions, sir. Either way, she has instead chosen to blame me for your recent attendance record. Even if that were the case, your fear of me was only powerful enough to keep you away after you dipped it in my vag gnoshing roommie. Thank you for making domestic relations difficult. This interaction has only reinforced the judgments I pass on people in skinny jeans. <ul> <li> Location: North <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-26T22:44:33-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1483520590.html To the hipster dude who did my lesbian roommate that one time text Mythic Loft Castle http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1478251380.html Four people live here but now that winter is coming, three are moving away. One is homesick, one is done with school, one is dealing with the sudden death of two close friends. All three are leaving the province. This leaves me with a rather large hole to fill, in both quantity and quality, because these are three of the best people you'd hope to meet. I need three more. Reddit trolls welcome. About the space Three stories--- Top story is divided in half; one half is my room, the other is a common room. One entire wall is windows, so both rooms look out over the city and the freight railyard. Giant roof to enjoy before winter fully kicks in. Tall tower to climb, good for whiskeying and sunsetting. Second story is divided into three bedrooms, centered around a fourth, smaller common room. Walls are made of doors and windows, coated in schematics. One room does not have a door but it does have an indoor balcony, and the bed is built into a door-box made of both doors and functional windows, which looks down into the first floor. Another room has skylights with sliding sail-like curtains and a trapdoor leading to the third-story common room. The last room has an indoor windowledge, a view down to the first floor, a small but perfect workdesk-like area built into the i-beams, and a mysterious portal in the ceiling. The first story is a kitchen, wood- and metal- working shop, lounge, bike shop, bathroom, loft, and bedroom. The ceilings are very high, tall windows fill up most of one wall. The top of a pagoda hangs about the kitchen counter, strung up with airline cable, and from it dangle pots and pans, dried peppers and christmas lights. There's an upright piano that needs a little fixing but plays pretty well. The ceilings are so tall that we actually built a small loft in one corner. The powertools, saws, grinders, handtools etc live underneath in a decently-sized workshop. The tools will be mostly leaving with a departing housemate, so if you have your own or want to pitch in, we can set up a second, amazing shop. There's a six-bike hanging rack to keep your precious bike safe. We built a small fifth bedroom over the bathroom, and at only $100 rent have had some fucking great housemates live there who don't mind living in a room you can't stand up in. This knocks the rent down for the rest of us, too. The downstairs will most likely become at least partially a sewing studio, so if you're into sewing it's a big, big plus. We used to supplement our rent with shows here until the neighbors complained, but earlier-starting shows could be a real possibility. We've had over a hundred people show up for some shows and parties here. There is no microwave, there will be no microwave here. If you're into microwaves, move on. We don't really talk to the landlord, so if you're someone who's reliant on people to come fix your shit for you, you're shit outta luck. If you hop trains, the hop-out spot is just down the tracks, which the loft is backed right up to. There's also a wasteland of sorts to explore, if you're sneaky and careful. If you're one of those people who do laundry, there's a laundry machine in the basement, and a great laundromat a block away. The loft is less than a ten-minute walk from the St. Henri metro, less than a ten-minute bike ride to Atwater. Close to the post office and bank and a lot of parks, too. Community garden just across the tracks. Punks and pitbulls in the basement. There isn't a lot of sound privacy; some of the walls don't go floor to ceiling. It hasn't been a problem for us, but if you aren't into hearing your housemates have sex sometimes, then you might want to consider this before you move in, and what kind of person you are. There are dead animals and birds in the freezer and strung up about the house. Lots of bones, too, and rusting metal. Some of this will go when the housemates go. Pets might be okay, depending on pet. About me I'm 24, went to school for liberal arts and hated it so went to metalworking school instead, then came to Montreal for Alexander Technique training. I'm tall, play the accordion, I'm into scams, homebrew, the circus, Tesla, fancy food, tailoring. I was once the star of a dramatic porno. I built a boat this summer and attempted to sail it down the Mississippi, but the police ruined it; long story. I'm into biology and botany, calculus and physics, going to the dump, cooking. I speak Japanese as well as English, and I'm hopefully about to become a tailor. About you You are an adventurer. Ideally you are resourceful and independent but still like living in a house that's pretty communal. Messy and dirty are fine but you gotta do your own fucking dishes. If you're vegan, well, that's great, but don't expect a vegan household. You like dumpstering and don't mind eating food from the trash. You should like to cook and like spending time with your housemates. Being handy with tools is a plus, making shit is a big, big plus. Of the three people leaving, one was a metalworker, kinetic sculptor, mad scientist; one was a seamstress and painter, and an amazing chef; the last was an electronic musician and illustrator; we're all dirty as fuck; not expecting you to be any of these things- just to give you a vague idea of a dynamic that worked well here. Violent cuddlers welcome. I need fucking beasts of people, if you are timid you'd better be a real sweetie or have some goddamned amazing superpowers. This is a house of people who have each others backs and I'd like for it to stay this way, familial and feral. I will take care of you. Sometimes we fight each other for fun, sometimes we all sleep in the same bed. Someone tried to mug me last night and I broke his nose-- I'd do the same to someone trying to mug you. I know this is asking a lot but seriously, let's not add our house to the list of four interesting people who live together and maybe even have some fascinating/admirable/psychotic hobbies and pursuits but don't amount to much more than that when taken as a whole houses. Think Goonies instead. If you like some of these things you might be perfect for this house: plants, boats, junk, bikes, board games, stirling engines, cult films, math & science, puppets, drawing, cooking, sewing, knives, comics, history, bones, dumpstering, reading, being outside, making fireworks and booze and fermented foods. If you are into tiny rooms or are very short, we have a small room for rent for $100. It comes packaged with a free kitchen, free common room, and free housemates. No pacifists. You don't need to be crazy to live here, but it helps. Some more pictures uploaded <a href="http://drop.io/loftpics">here</a>. They're high-res but you'll need to download/open them to see them in all their glory. Pictures make the house seem messier than usual, promise; there's shit everywhere because some people are already getting ready to move out. Email any questions or call 514-935-9580. Goonies never say die. St Remi at Acorn (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+St+Remi+at+Acorn+Montreal+QC+CA">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=St+Remi+at+Acorn&csz=Montreal+QC&country=CA">yahoo map</a>) <ul> <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: St. Henri <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-22T22:53:01-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1478251380.html Mythic Loft Castle text To the guy who probably though I was a stalker - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chs/1477728133.html On Saturday night (technically Sunday morning) at about 2:30 am, I follow you down King Street starting at somewhere around George Street and until Broad Street. Judging by the number of times you turned around, you probably thought I was stalking you. I promise I'm not some creeper, but I will admit I was using you. I apologize and feel like I owe you an explanation. I periodically make the poor decision to walk home from the bars alone. However, I have have a two-part safety system that has thus far worked out quite well. You were unwittingly part one of my plan. Part one: Quasi-group up with someone/some people. I prefer a group of at least one guy and at least one girl, but I settled for you last night. I keep the perfect distance from my quasi-group. Far enough back so that you can't easily get me, but close enough so that if shit goes down, you can hear me struggle or scream and (hopefully) come help. Part two: the raptor claw. You played no role in this part of the strategy, but I thought I'd share so you can fully appreciate what you were unknowingly involved in last night. I make a fist and put my house key in between my fingers and backed up to my palm. Like a stealthy raptor, I plan to stab an attacker with my killer claw. Secretly, I always take a couple of practice raptor claw strikes and sometime roar in my head. You have no idea how entertaining this is when you're drunk. I don't expect you to respond. I sure as hell wouldn't if some crazy girl talked about being a dinosaur. I just thought you deserved an explanation since you might have prevented an attack. A raptor attack. ROAR <ul> <li> Location: Around 2:30 am on King Street <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-22T15:49:21-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chs/1477728133.html To the guy who probably though I was a stalker - w4m text Man-Servant Needed http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sbn/1476592349.html Look, I'll cut to the chase. I just need some help around my house. Duties of a man-servant include, but are not limited to the following: - Daily trash removal - Back rubs - Daily cleaning of litter boxes - Sponge baths - Preparation of lights meals and snacks - Gratuitous compliments about how great I look in my penguin pajamas In addition, a man-servant will have to be able to handle the following: - Watching me dance around (without pants on) to show tunes - Wearing a bedazzled loincloth while performing chores - Occasional sexual harassment - The sound of a whip cracking Salary is negotiable and bonuses are available depending on how special you've made me feel by the end of the day. If you're interested, please contact me as soon as possible. I'll need to fit you for the loincloth and then bedazzle it by hand before you can start. ~Trish <ul> <li> Location: South Bend Area <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: Negotiable </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-21T16:40:03-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sbn/1476592349.html Man-Servant Needed text Found: Shirt, Bra, Thong and Vomit http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ftc/1475465393.html Friday Morning Found behind 3665 JFK Parkway Building 2 - near corner of Horsetooth. All CSI work done on the end of a stick. White shirt with some vomit on it - no obvious logos. Nice black bra size B+ ish (I guess) with light shorter length dog hair on it. Thong - black, may have been recently hot. (Looked like some hair scrunchie thing with an extra loop - estimated waist size 8 inches). Vomit - looked like vomit - you know - diced carrots and slime. Clean up Kit used - already mentioned shirt plus napkins from Chipotle grill takeaway. (You didn't finish all your takeaway?) If you were at Chipotle grill on Thursday night, have a dog, and are missing underwear - you now know where you were later Thursday night. Just one thing to say, isn't Chipotle the greatest! CSI on the end of a stick signing off. (I hope it was not the C part) <ul> <li> Location: Fort Collins <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-20T18:14:27-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ftc/1475465393.html Found: Shirt, Bra, Thong and Vomit text I Saw Your Breasts By Accident - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1474867651.html I just happened to be walking my dog in the atwood area when I looked up at an apartment building and you were standing at your window topless, perfect as a figure cut out of a painting, your breasts so firm and yet plump in a way that suggested you would yield to the right touch. I went home and listened to classical music for an hour, trying desperately to recreate that feeling I had when I saw your breasts in the window, that transcendent serenity one feels only in the presence of art. When the music didn't work, I baked a cobbler - peach, my grandmother's most prized recipe - and sat on the floor of my living room, eating it with my hands, savoring not only the taste, but the warmth of the filling, and the just-right flakiness of the outside. I could've been in the remotest land on Earth, untouched by civilization - my perception felt that pure. All afternoon I've been floating inside; those breasts were a minor miracle in the midst of this gray, cold week. Thank you. <ul> <li> Location: atwood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-20T12:55:49-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1474867651.html I Saw Your Breasts By Accident - m4w text Tired of those boring "dinner and a movie types"? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1473675020.html I'm looking for someone who will allow me to "act out" in public and can react appropriately. I'm tired of dating boring, tepid, insipid politically correct women. I want a liberal woman in the most true sense; not your messenger bag carrying, bike riding, garden variety gender-defender. Can you call someone a cunt in a public place without changing your tone and use the word to refer to your vagina in the same sentence? Do you agree with the opinion that women are terrible drivers, bad actors, and even worse musicians? Would you enjoy getting fucked by a man in a diaper? If so, On our first date, you will walk me on one of those child-leashes while I wear a helmet and do my best to stumble into every bypasser at the mall. I will at some point throw myself to the ground and slam my head repeatedly into the hard surface while screaming "NO TOUCH ME DERE, SISTER!" over and over. You will smile nervously at the mall patrons and assure them that "It will be over soon; he tires easily." After that, we will go and get ice cream. When asked which flavor I want, I will demand the ice cream attendant give me "all the ice creams". You will discipline me and tell me I can have only one flavor. At this time I will throw another violent tantrum until you bargain with me and I get two, three, or maybe four (this is up to you, since you'll be paying and rewarding me based on my performance). When we have our ice cream, I will eat it sloppily and smear it into your hair while giggling (ice cream is every retards favorite thing, you know). You will get up to grab napkins and I will quickly take the remainder of your ice cream and throw it across the food court or while you clean me up, I will shove it down your blouse. We will go to the video game store where you will "turn me loose" and pretend to talk on your phone absent mindedly outside of the store. I will harass the employees and ask them "OH! Can I have disth game?!" around a hundred times, once for each different game I see behind the counter. "Dat one" I will say as they try in vain to determine which product I am pointing out while staring at the ceiling or floor. Ten minutes or so should be enough time for me. You will then come collect me, awkwardly apologize, and we will leave the store for the womens restroom where you will proceed to change my diaper in front of the changing station. I will get hard and you tell me "Bad boy, bad boy" while slapping my penis. If anyone says anything, you will tell them you "have to slap it because it's the only way to make it go away" or "this is the only way I can teach him a lesson." When we leave the mall, we can go back to my place and continue roleplaying. You can teach me where babies come from and then we will practice making them in front of my video camera; the recording of which you will not get a copy. Condoms make my penis burn, so please be STD free. Criteria: 1. Stay in character at all times. I will not leave character at any point and if you do, I will react aggressively. I'm a pretty big guy. Don't piss me off. 2. You must wear a very sexy outfit. A short skirt and a low-cut top. I want to see your ass cheeks and titties hanging out. Tease your hair and wear some perfume. Also, do not wear underwear. A video game character costume is a plus. 3. If I happen to improvise a passing out spell during a tantrum, when you're leaning over me pretending to revive me or whatever, I will be aiming to pop a boner. Once you feel it prodding, you will do your best to hide it nonchalantly while pretending not to notice. This is very important and I will expect your best performance to come of this because I will suddenly spring up, grab you, and begin to hump you. You will react as if this was a normal thing and tell onlookers "Just give him a minute, he finishes fast." You are free to improvise your own dialog, but if it's stupid or it becomes obvious that you are pretending, I will loudcap you with retard yelps to distract from your ineptness. If all goes well, maybe we could meet up for a 2nd date. Maybe more. <img src="http://www.midwestskate.com/Hockey/images/Jofa_Helmet.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: New Orleans <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-19T16:08:30-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1473675020.html Tired of those boring "dinner and a movie types"? text Shrunken Pet Head Amulet http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1473531732.html Have the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered. <ul> <li> Location: Every Where <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-19T11:41:33-09:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1473531732.html Shrunken Pet Head Amulet text FOUND - Horse Poop http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1473043256.html Hi, if you or your horse "lost" a very large pile of horse poop, I found it. It is right where you lost it, in front of OMSI on the east bank esplanade. Feel free to come collect it at any time, I'm sure it will stay in the middle of the path until you get a chance to reclaim it. <ul> <li> Location: SP PDX <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-19T08:16:35-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1473043256.html FOUND - Horse Poop text Disease-laden whore proffers advice. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1467923119.html Catchy title, eh? ;) Gentlemen, Here are some words of semi-wisdom from a real live 30-something woman on how to up your chances that a real, live woman will respond to your post. 1. She probably won't. That's right - women really do rule the roost here. Respond to her post. But... 2. If you are up for a challenge and can write funny (you know who you are), then you definitely have an advantage. 3. If you're not sure whether or not you can write funny, you can't. See points below. 4. Stop whining about getting spam. You are a man posting on CL. You will get spam. Deal. 5. Put your age in your ad. 6. If you're a man 25 years or younger, go to a bar and get rejected in person like the rest of us. It builds character. 7. Unless a woman asks you to send you a picture of your penis, refrain from emailing or putting this type of picture in your post. I believe there is this thing called "internet porn" (perhaps you have heard about it) where I can look at all the penises I want to. 8. The "I wonder if he is a serial killer" photo. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. The photo shot of your bare torso in the mirror sans head. I’d rather see no picture at all because all I can think about is "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again" from The Silence of the Lambs. But if you are looking to give off the serial killer vibe, then you're on the right track! 9. HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS will only get you noticed because it’s annoying. Let’s look at an example. “FACE DOWN ,ASS Up and let me HANDLE it.” Oh, yes, I’m all over that. It made me really hot that you apparently don’t know where a comma should go. Oh yeah baby. 10. For all you “$$ generous guys” out there – your prices are way too low, especially if you want that hot college coed. $2000/month for up for 4-5 times a month is a good market value price to begin with. And, no, I am not a “pro.” 11. Speaking of “non-pro only” – did I miss the day where people stopped using the word “hooker” or is that just a sly enough euphemism so that your post won’t get removed? Does this mean that us “non-pros” are not pros in the bedroom because you’re not paying for sex? ;) 8. You write defensively and are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore. Example: "I'm a hot guy with really high standards. I make a lot of money. What is up with all the fat chicks here? I'm so sick of this shit. If you email me, send my your stats AND a picture. I mean, I'm a hot guy." And blah, blah blah... Gee, I like nothing more than going out with someone who is angry, defensive and who is incredibly sexually frustrated. Good times! If you are that bent out of shape, call a hooker. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're safe. I'll save the "non-pro only" commentary for another time. 9. Run spell check, use apostrophes (e.g., "I'm" instead of "Im") and there's this thing called a space bar that should have come with your computer - use it. 10. Women will most likely not list their weight in a post. Swap photos in the first or second email exchange. If she's reluctant to send a picture, this could be a red flag or she may not know how to use any basic computer program where she can send a photo showing her body type without her face. Come to think of it, this could be a red flag as well. 11. There are no real 18-22 year old women who post here. I know this comes as a shock. Take a couple of deep breaths. It will be okay. 12. Avoid the use of the following phrases and words: “Asian pearl” (are you kidding me?!) and “Yearning for Asian poontang” (even if I was Asian, I would want you as far away from my “poontang” as possible). Happy hunting! <ul> <li> Location: SF Bay area <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-15T23:45:04-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1467923119.html Disease-laden whore proffers advice. text To my ex-husband... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1467782176.html Dear ex-husband...I would like to clear up some of the lies and mis-information you have been feeding people since you have discovered Facebook and attended your recent high school reunion: 1) I did not "cheat on you" and cause the breakup of our marriage. We had been separated for the better part of a year, and I had already filed divorce papers. Even before we were separated, we had sex MAYBE once or twice a month for 3 years (BAD sex at that). I did "have an itch", as I have seen you put it, and since you weren't scratching it, I called up my old fuck-buddy and he took care of business. BTW, he had no problem at all cumming from oral...so fuck you for making me think it was my problem when it was clearly yours. 2) Thank you for blaming all your social shortcomings on me. You have told multiple people that I never wanted to hang out with any of your friends, and that's why you had lost contact with them over the years. Bullshit. You are just cheap and no fun. If it involved travel, money, or staying out past 7:00pm, then you weren't interested. You also didn't like having people over to our house because we would have to feed them (which costs money) and most of them have kids (which you hate...funny, you're a TEACHER). 3) You told one ex-girlfriend that after we got married, I "turned into Martha Stewart". Yes, asking you to pick up your own dirty clothes, Diet Pepsi cans, and bath towels and put them in their proper places was TOTALLY batshit crazy of me. How dare I want to live in a semi-respectable home and not a trash heap. 4) I will let you continue to tell people I am remarried to "some geek I met on the internet", as that is completely true. However, you should also tell them that he is goddamn AMAZING in bed. Just this morning I woke up to him gently massaging my ass; before I knew it he was pulling my hair as I was gagging on his fat cock. You can fill in the blanks as to what happened next...oh wait, no you can't, because all you know how to do is a couple thrusts in the missionary position before your tiny, weird-looking little penis dribbles out its contents. And for the love of God (since you can't seem to figure it out on your own OR from my guidance), watch some porn and learn how to locate the clitoris. 5) Go ahead and crow to everyone how you "got to keep the house". Just so we're clear, I LET you keep the house, and I better not find out that I'm still on the mortgage. You were supposed to take care of that 8 weeks after our divorce was finalized. I let you slide last year when I found out I was still on there and gave you extra time to take care of it (even though it should have been done in 2006). If I'm still on that loan, then I'm calling my lawyer. 6) You have conveniently neglected to tell all of these people that you are gay. You can keep telling yourself that you're straight, but anyone who likes to let men suck his dick AND reciprocates is, in fact, homosexual. Thanks for letting me find out that little tidbit after we got married instead of before, cocksucker. And don't EVEN try to say you're bi, because you made it evident to me over the years that you hate tits and vagina. I love me some gay men, but I didn't want to be married to one. 7) You mentioned that I hated spending time with your family...completely true. They were weird as hell, and still are for all I know. So I guess that ends my rant. If you want to tell your friends anything else about me, then tell them I'm very happy with my internet-geek husband and new, normal, sane in-laws. Just so you know, this is the only place I have talked trash about you since our divorce. If telling people all that shit about me makes you feel better, then more power to you. I just better be off that mortgage, or else you will have some really good stories to tell. P.S.-change your passwords, stupid. <ul> <li> Location: cloud 9 <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-15T20:59:29-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1467782176.html To my ex-husband... text A few pointers from your friendly neighborhood locomotive engineer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/1467473945.html Let's start with some DON'Ts. 1) A train is really, really big. Can we all accept that? Not even your Ram/F350/Hummer/douche-mobile is a match for a locomotive. You say you have a Cummins diesel? Caterpillar? Detroit? Oooooooh. Well I have an EMD 567 on a bad day, and even its pathetic eighteen-hundred horsepower will pound you and your gleaming pickup into the fourth dimension, so please, stay behind the white line! 2) I hate blocking crossings. Seriously, I feel like a complete asshole when I stop a train in the middle of the road and leave two dozen motorists to ponder their lattes and ask what the hell I'm doing. The truth is, sometimes it has to be done, so don't honk at me, flip me off, or scream at me from the window of your Dodge Caravan as you're shooting a U. Instead, be patient and try to believe that there's a point to what I'm doing. It's called switching, and my conductor is depending on me to work slowly and not run his ass over. If you don't believe me, Wiki that shit. 3) Don't climb on the equipment. I hate to sound like your mother, but you're saving me a lot of paperwork and horrifying flashbacks by staying off the equipment. To you it might look like an abandoned train or a free ride, but when that bastard starts to move with you on it, there's a damn good chance you won't be able to hold on. As long as you're on Wikipedia, punch in "slack action" and see what comes up. Also, the romance of riding freight trains is total bullshit. They're really dark, really cold, really windy, and hobos are fucking SCARY. 4) Don't put shit on the tracks. It's dangerous to me and my conductor, and it's ten times more dangerous for you and everyone else on the ground. If you're wondering "can a train go over a rock?" the answer is YES. There's only one problem. You probably haven't wondered where the million shards of rock are going to go at four times the speed of sound, have you? 5) Stop whining about the horn. Countless accidents have been avoided because drivers missed the flashing lights but heard the horn. You'd have to blast Miley Cyrus and Lil' Bow Wow pretty fucking loud to drown out a five-chime, and often that's the only thing that saves people. Still, that's no reason to keep your stereo at eighty decibels as you're rolling through a crossing at sixty without looking both ways. 6) By and large, railroad cops are major douche bags, so when you're trespassing on railroad property, keep your head out of your ass. These guys didn't make it into the real police force, and they will ream your ass inside and out to make up for it. Also, walking on bridges and in tunnels is extremely dangerous. Ask yourself: If a train comes, where will I go? Trains are much wider than the rails they run on, so don’t be fooled. Now for some of the DO'S. 1) If you see a large object (like a garbage can or an F350) that's about to get love-tapped by a hotshot freight train, get in the clear. If the shit's about to fly at a railroad crossing, run to the side of the street that the train is coming from. That way you'll be behind the point of impact and you won't have to worry about catching that beautiful pickup and its over-confident driver square on your fucking shoulders. If you run away from the train you're just putting yourself in the line of fire, and the death toll could very possibly be two. 2) If the gates stay down and the lights stay flashing, stay where you are. I guaran-damn-tee there's another train coming, and speeding onto the tracks the moment the first train clears is a lot like celebrating a touchdown too early. WHAM. 3) When you're waiting for a train to pass, it's a good idea to stay back thirty or forty feet. Trains are operated by professionals, but often they're loaded by total assclowns. I've heard some real nasty stories about payloads falling off flatcars and crushing people in their vehicles, or doors sliding off boxcars and ripping through everything in their path. It's rare, but shit happens! 4) Always report problems or suspicious activity. If you see a photographer with a radio scanner and a big-ass notebook, ignore him. We know that guy. But if there's a dude in street clothes working a crowbar through a signal box, hit us up and tell us what the deal is. Railroad crossings usually have signs with emergency numbers, or you can call the non-emergency number for your local fuzz. If an accident has already occurred or a life is at risk, call 911 instead. Pretty sure they have our number. 5) Last but not least, when you're inconvenienced by a train, remember that we're pulling for you! Trains are a great way to conserve fuel, reduce greenhouse gas emissions, and keep American jobs alive and green. Rail technology is the best solution to our energy crisis, and as the rail network grows in the years to come, it's important for everyone to stay safe. Look, listen, LIVE. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-15T17:45:25-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/1467473945.html A few pointers from your friendly neighborhood locomotive engineer text To the woman who hit my car... - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1467447449.html You were the woman who rear ended my car on Patton Ave at 2am last night. You were in a red Camry and I was in the blue Neon. You said you didn't have insurance and "really couldn't afford this right now". We pulled our cars into the empty K-Mart parking lot and began to discuss the best way to handle this situation. While we were talking I couldn't help but notice your low cut shirt and you caught me looking, gave me a smile, and we both agreed to settle this matter "like adults". That was truly one of the best blowjobs I've ever had. I wish I knew your name! <ul> <li> Location: Patton Ave. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-15T17:24:41-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1467447449.html To the woman who hit my car... - m4w text BMW R100 Damaged Headpipe Charity Ride http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1466975470.html I'm reaching out to all members of the Bay Area BMW motorcycle riding community for your support of a fellow BMW rider who's fallen on hard times. Anyone who's perused the CL motorcycle listings at least once during the past year has seen the posting for the BMW R100 Head Pipe (damaged). I, like you, initially thought this posting was made as a joke for our entertainment but the subsequent weekly posts have convinced me that not only is the seller serious, persistent, and probably destitute but the clear signs of impaired judgement indicate he may be delusional as well. This individual, in his own way, is crying out for our help. Nobody in Northern California actually needs or wants a damaged headpipe and current economic conditions have dictated a good belt tightening for all of us. May I therefore suggest a "Damaged Headpipe Charity Ride" as a means of both generating the $35.00 the seller so desperately needs and of showing him that BMW riders can be counted on to be there in his time of mental and emotional need. We can do this with minimal impact on our own wallets. There must be at least 350 motorcycle riders in the Bay Area willing to bite the bullet and cough up a dime apiece to help the poor dude. (May I suggest you get "pledges," from your workmates, family, employer, etc. to help in this donation effort if you too are facing financial challenges but still want to help). We can set up a group ride to the sellers' home in the Pleasanton/Livermore area on a mutually satisfactory time. Or, we could wait until next Summer (I'm sure the ad will still be running then) and do it when the BMWMOA has its' big rally in Oregon. Once the circumstances are explained to the Rally attendees I'm convinced we could get 3500 riders to not only cough up a penny apiece in support of this challenged individual but ride down en-mass for a $35.00 presentation ceremony on the fallen Brothers' doorstep. Let me know if you're in.. Thank you and God bless you for your help. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-15T08:42:26-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1466975470.html BMW R100 Damaged Headpipe Charity Ride text This post is different from the others... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1466616431.html …and here’s why: People always start their posts by saying "I'm new to Craig's List." Well, 1. I'm not new to Craig's List. I love Craig's List. I love lists in general (which you’ll soon realize), but especially Craig’s.  Why? ·      I met one of my best friends on CL when I answered her ad seeking a roommate. ·      I recently bought an awesome piece of furniture I didn't even know I needed, but now can't fathom how I went 25 years without. ·      The "best of" section is an amazing way to <s>waste</s> spend time. I've been on two CL dates before. Neither was successful, but you don't give up after two bad dates in real life so why do it here?  Which brings me to my next point... 2. I think people should approach online interactions like real life ones. If you would not say something on a first date, don’t put it in your post/ response.  Meeting online is not an excuse to skip the small talk and go straight to making demands or asking personal questions (which reminds me, I have a funny story to tell you about the aforementioned CL dates). Find things we have in common and talk about them, find things we don’t have in common and tell me something I don’t know.  Remember back in the old days when we developed crushes in real life? Through conversation, laughter, mutual respect…I like having crushes and I like a little intrigue. Some things you could reasonably expect to know about someone you just met in real life: ·      Just looking at me you’d know I’m tall (5'7") with long brunette hair and fit (but not skinny). ·      If I stopped you on the street to ask for directions or advice about Toronto you might learn that I just moved here a month ago from Amsterdam. ·      If you shared a table with me at Starbucks on a Saturday evening and asked what I’m doing here, I’d tell you I don’t know anyone in Toronto yet.  You’d think, “Wow, she must be very independent and adventurous – she moved here alone.” You’d ask why and I’d explain I came for a job - I work in IT Security.  You’d probably think, “she doesn’t look like a nerd” but you’d be pleasantly surprised to find out that I am one. ·      If we sat together on a plane, we may talk about my passion for traveling. ·      If you bought me a drink at a bar, well – you’d know I prefer pubs to clubs and love live music. I’d order a beer and look you in the eyes when we said, “cheers” (Do they say “cheers” in Canada?) ·      If you saw me in line at the grocery store you’d see that I love to cook and probably notice I usually cook for one. ·      If you noticed me in a bookstore you’d realize that I’m curious about almost everything and I love to read (almost as much as I love to write). If any of these situations actually happened, I’d talk to you.  But these days, they don’t happen enough (turns out it’s not just me – you guys are here too ;) So here I am on Craig’s List.  And just like in real life… 3. I’m not going to make a list of requirements: You never know who is going to make you happy.  Maybe it is (gasp) someone with blond hair! But I’d never know if I posted an ad saying that I absolutely can not will not shall not respond unless yours is brown.  That said… 4. I want to see your picture.  Full disclosure: because I want to make a snap judgment. People claim they want to see photos in order to verify the responder is a real woman/man/person.  They are lying.  I want to see your photo, not because I'm shallow or superficial and want to make sure you’re “hot.”  I want to see it because the photo you send tells me a lot about you.  It tells me how you see yourself, how you want others to see you (just like your appearance does in real life). ·      If you wear your NY hat sideways with the sticker still on and make a peace sign sideways above your head - I don't think I'm going to respond.  I love to laugh but would prefer to do so with you, not at you.  There is a girl out there for you; it's just not me. ·      If you are shirtless, flexing in front of a mirror, or if the photo is obscene - I don't think I'm going to respond.  That tells me what you think of me already, and we haven't even met. Quite frankly, I'm insulted. ·      If I can't see your face - I don't think I'm going to respond.  I’d probably avoid a person who hid from me in real life and I will do the same online. So to be fair, I have posted my own photo.  I hope I get to meet you in real life. Ciao, L <ul> <li> Location: Toronto Midtown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-14T23:22:30-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1466616431.html This post is different from the others... text Advice for all those nice guys - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1466590392.html I'm a woman who has dated a lot of shitty assholes. Really, a lot. I have had many nice guy friends, and nice guy suitors, who I've failed to get excited about. And, believe me, I've tried. I beat myself up, decided I was a self-abusive wreck. But I'm not. I figured it out: Those assholes got my attention, my interest, not by being assholes. Not even by being particularly physically attractive (seriously, you should see some of these trolls and their poor personal hygiene!). No, they acted nice at the start, they were sweet, attentive, made nice shows of affection. The problem has been that the nice guys are so nice, and respectful, and considerate, that they've always given me space, aren't pushy, and are just ten tons of sweet. It's endearing, yes, but it doesn't push all of the necessary buttons. When they go in for a kiss, it's a short, quick one, not a long, passionate one where they pull me towards them and make my knees go weak. So, the assholes swoop in, give a show of nice, turn up the heat, and I swoon, and then it all goes horribly wrong, BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSHOLES. There's no reason the nice guys can't learn to do it, and still be nice. So, guys, (NICE guys): lean in close when I'm talking, be a little bit more aggressive, stare a little longer, grab me and kiss me passionately. Make me swoon over the RIGHT guy, for once. Please. Of course, I won't actually know the difference until it turns out you're still nice after a few months, but, fuck! wouldn't that be a nice surprise? <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-14T20:45:29-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1466590392.html Advice for all those nice guys - w4m text to the beautiful lady who saw me pooping - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1465237532.html Me: Taking a huge poop in the l5p pizza bathroom. You: Drunk, beautiful, Discovered that I forgot to lock the door in my haste. Look, I know it must have been awkward for you to see me in that state, and especially since it didnt seem to bother me that you walked in. We made eye contact for a brief moment, you have the most beautiful brown eyes (no pun intended). I said "hey beautiful lady" right as you slammed the door, and i meant it. Everyone poops, and now that you have seen me pooping, I feel like we have already moved our relationship to a higher level. If you read this, and feel the same way, respond... I hope the smell didnt offend you, I ate indian food for lunch.. <ul> <li> Location: l5p <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-13T22:38:45-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1465237532.html to the beautiful lady who saw me pooping - m4w text My Paychex odyssey http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/1464415351.html My Paychex odyssey I was laid off from my job on 6/30/2009. Unfortunately, my former employer (lets called them “company G”) used Paychex (www.paychex.com) payroll services. My former employer told me to sit back and within 4 to 6 weeks I’d receive forms to enroll in COBRA health coverage. When that didn’t happen, I called Paychex. No, I wouldn’t be sent the COBRA forms because I was still employed with company G. No I’m not. Yes you are. No I’m not. Yes you are. So began several phone calls over an hour or two to company G (who by the way, was able to confirm for me that yes indeed I was no longer employed at company G), and further calls to Paychex. Finally, company G, Paychex, and myself, were all able to agree I was no longer employed by company G. Great. Or so I thought. I received the COBRA forms from Paychex and filled them out, put a stamp on the envelop and was about to leave the house the next day to mail them. In my mailbox I find a rather thick envelop from the actual health insurance company I used. What do you know, its COBRA health insurance continuation forms, and they look very similar to the forms from Paychex. Ohhhh I sensed a headache coming on. So, I went back inside, back up stairs and began another telephone odyssey with Paychex. After about 15 minutes and two phone calls speaking with two Paychex employees (God help them, how do they cope ?) I’m told I should not have received the COBRA forms from Paychex. I should from now on deal directly with the health insurance company directly. So, I fill out their forms, and send them in and soon it appears I have COBRA health insurance. Great, all is well. Wrong. Paychex is still in business and I must still deal with them. They hold my 401K account and I wish to roll over my 401k balance into a private IRA. So, I go to the Paychex website to look for the rollover form. Not there. It’s just not there - I looked all over. So, I began yet another call to Paychex. Had I known I would be calling them so often I’d have gotten a direct line. Well, I’m told the rollover forms are on such and such a page. I go to that page and they are now there. So, I’m asked for my name, SSN, etc etc and asked to hold a minute. Well, I’m told I am not able to roll over my 401k balance as I am still employed by company G. The blood vessels begin throbbing and I’m having trouble focusing. Can you say that again ? You can not roll over your 401k balance until you are no longer employed by company G. I am not employed by company G. Yes you are. No I’m not. Yes you are. I am not employed by company G I pleaded with her. We went through this same thing with my COBRA insurance ... don’t you remember. No sir, I only deal with 401k account issues. You need to have your company notify us that you are no longer employed. But, they already did that. We have no record of that sir. You need to speak to ... click. I hung up on the robot and went back to the Paychex website. I found this page: <a href="http://investor.paychex.com/governance/board.aspx">http://investor.paychex.com/governance/board.aspx</a> and began calling their corporate officers. Some of them I could not reach at the office, so I looked up their names in the phone book and called their homes. Some of them weren’t home, but their spouses were. I left messages with everyone, asking that they please look into this. I then started with the board of directors. They’re all CEOs, and COOs and CFOs and CxOs at other companies. I called those companies and asked to speak to the Paychex BODs. I left messages for them. I emailed them. Well, Paychex finally came to realize that I was no longer employed by company G and I would finally be allowed to roll over my 401K balance. I never received an apology. I never received any acknowledgement from Paychex that maybe, just maybe, there was something broken in their system. I can be deemed to be no longer employed for the purpose of receiving COBRA coverage, yet still employed for 401K issues. Apparently the two systems are not linked. No one at Paychex would acknowledge that. No apologies, no explanation. Nothing. I’d see Paychex commercials or other mention of their name and begin getting anxious. I’d sweat and want to go home and not go out. I needed help. So, I started a PA group. Paychex Anonymous. People who had been mentally assaulted by Paychex could come to a totally anonymous meeting and share their story. Paychex employees, company HR people that used Paychex services, employees of companies making use of Paychex services, etc. The goal is to let go of the anger and frustration, to not allow Paychex to control our mental state. It’s slowly beginning to work for me. I have had a few relapses though. I of course blame Paychex. Evil Paychex. I had trouble finding a copy of a receipt for a prescription I had filled last spring. It took me a while to obtain a new copy, and on 9/24/2009, 1 week before the 3 month anniversary of my being laid off, I mailed my FSA reimbursement request to Paychex. Do you know where this is going ? Yes. Ok, so it takes them a while to receive the forms, process them and cut me a check. No problem. I’ll wait a bit. A few weeks go by and I get a letter from Paychex. I am told I am no longer eligible for COBRA health insurance continuation coverage. What ? I thought I already had that. Yes, I did. I did have COBRA health insurance. I probably should have torn up the letter, took some aspirin and went to a PA meeting. No, I relapsed and went upstairs and called Paychex. I was told that because I did not meet the deadline for submitting the COBRA forms to Paychex that I was ineligible to begin COBRA coverage. But ... you told me not to submit the forms. No sir, we did not. Yes, you told me to ignore the Paychex COBRA forms and instead submit the MVP COBRA forms. Hold a minute please. Yes, sir, you may just ignore the letter. But why would you send the letter if you told me I didn’t need to submit the forms. Because you didn’t submit the forms. But you told me not to. Yes sir. Then why did you send me the letter. Because you did not submit the forms. My head is spinning and I am getting sweaty and anxious. The person didn’t seem to understand. I didn’t either. I shouldn’t have called. I should have gone to the PA meeting. Weeks more go by and I’m doing better. I’m attending PA meetings and thinking maybe I can stop soon. Wrong. I relapsed again. It is nearly 6 weeks since I submitted my FSA reimbursement request. I have not received anything. It’s time for a phone call. I should have gotten a direct line. Oh well. Sir, you did not submit the FSA reimbursement request in time. Yes I did. No sir, you did not. We processed it on 9/30/2009. [I quickly start to do the math, laid off 6/29/2009, mailed 9/24/2009, processed 9/30/2009] ... sir we always process the forms within two business days of receiving them. When did you process my request ? 9/30/2009 sir. Doesn’t that sort of imply ... hold on sir. Sir, your request is valid and you will be mailed a check on Monday. Apparently our system does not understand to mail checks when the request is processed within the last 2 days. Miss, I have a meeting to go to. At the meeting, people try to reassure me. I have COBRA health insurance. I have my 401k account balance. I will be getting my FSA reimbursement check. It’s almost all over. After the FSA check comes I’ll be through with Paychex. I had an interview with a company earlier this week. Things seemed to go pretty well. I asked for feedback from the HR manager and she said the Engineering team had been impressed. I thanked her and began to leave. I stopped, turned around and asked, Miss, does your company handle its own payroll ? We used too, now were switching over to Paychex. That was probably about 2pm. I was found in a ditch about 20 miles from there late that night. I was drunk and mumbling to myself. I had my tie tied around my neck like a noose and I had apparently tried to slit my throat with my tie clip. I was released from the hospital today and am beginning intensive therapy. I did see on CareerBuilder.com that Paychex is looking for a Software Quality Assurance Engineer. Maybe they’ll change. Maybe. <ul> <li> Location: Rochester <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-13T13:14:32-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/1464415351.html My Paychex odyssey text I mean, DAMN http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/1462848443.html On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation. In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear) I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat. I may call you the following day. I may not. On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly... YOU MUST BE of the caucasian persuasion funny loquacious driven single (that means not LEGALLY married) under 38 over 23 not a baby-daddy drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking) sarcastic well-mannered, for appearances able to leave work at work. this implies employment educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count) NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway. I AM... Over one-night stands. Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed. Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status. Able to say "no" and scream "yes". Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty TOGETHER, WE WILL bowl play trivia act like raging dickheads in public establishments giggle at midgets fornicate regularly discuss books drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves one-up eachother WE WILL NOT involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine. yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset be dishonest care what everyone else thinks do any activity with one another's family more than once a month act like something doesn't bother us, when it does throw low-blows in times of frustration Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out. I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height. I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well. Bring your A-game, bitches. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-12T12:51:59-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/1462848443.html I mean, DAMN text Courageous Congressperson http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1462359344.html Progressive Congressional Representative wanted to represent the people of Utah's 2nd district. Must have solid moral values and a resistance to selling out to corporate interests. Eligible candidate should have a strong commitment to defending fundamental human rights over corporate profits. Responsibilities include: -Stopping catastrophic climate change -Giving all Americans access to healthcare -Protecting and reinstating the rights of workers and unions -Granting equal rights to GLBT persons -Defending the rights of immigrants to basic human dignity and a US foreign policy that allows them to make a living in their home country -Ending imperialistic wars of aggression Travel is required between Washington, DC and Utah. Employee is expected to meet with supervisors (Utah voters) regularly and publicly. This is a salaried position with a two year contract beginning January, 2011. Selection process will occur over most of 2010. Requirements: -Be at least 25 years old -Be a US citizen for at least 7 years -Live in Utah's second district -Commitment to transparency -Honesty, integrity, courage Benefits include: *$174,000 per year *travel expenses *pension *much better healthcare than most Americans *Nice office in the heart of Washington, DC Note: This position must be filled. Current employee must be removed as soon as possible. Please reply with resume and personal statement. The people of Utah are an equal opportunity employer. <ul> <li> Location: District 2 <li> Compensation: $174,000 per year <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-12T00:39:12-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1462359344.html Courageous Congressperson text Drunk girl wrangler http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1459489908.html Muscular man closely resembling Hugh Jackman needed to take care of 3 or more drunk girls this weekend. Duties may include but are not limited to drink orders, store runs for cigarettes, fix it kits for inflatable devices, breaking up girl fights, holding hair during any puking, and keeping the dudes off of the 2 married chicks. Experience in CPR and a psyche degree helpful. We don't mind perverts just don't get it on us. Applicants with pics will be considered. <ul> <li> Location: Downtown Austin <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li>it's OK to distribute this charitable volunteerism opportunity for inclusion in 3rd party web sites that have been approved by craigslist</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-10T09:40:40-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1459489908.html Drunk girl wrangler text To the guy who tailgated me for 20 miles this morning http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ith/1459401682.html I get it. You wanted to go faster, and given that you drive a Mitsubishi Lancer maybe you are under the impression that you are fast and/or furious. I'm the guy who was in front of you for 20 miles from Alpine Junction to Ithaca, driving at various speeds with the constant being that you were so close to my rear end it felt like I was trapped in a changing room with Richard Simmons. We met at 61 mph, a nice speed for Route 13 -- fast enough to not take forever and slow enough to go unremarked by the many police who patrol that road. You were unsatisfied and expressed it by staying a cool 5 feet off my bumper. I slowed down gradually to 55 mph. This was one of several opportunities to pass me, but you just slowed down too and stayed back there like you wanted to turn on a Sting album and spoon me. So I sped up again hoping that you'd get the message and let me keep the distance I had won between us...but no, you are a jealous sharer of the road, Mitsubishi Lancer. You caught up. For 10 more miles we were like cellmates and you tried to make me your bitch, but all you succeeded in doing was going 13 miles an hour slower than when you started tailgating me. How did that work out for you? Coming down the hill into Ithaca I sped up again, figuring you'd been punished enough. So when you tried to give me the Sneaky Pete again, I admit I lost my cool and touched the brake for the first time. I hope you spilled your coffee on what I imagine were your Faded Glory pleated khaki pants. Then, in the two-lane road in town you didn't go around. You proceeded to follow me all the way to my parking place before giving me a look and going on your way to, I assume, the DMV where you work. I offer you these common sense tips: 1. Tailgating is a dick move, and it's even more of a dick move if the guy in front of you is already well above the speed limit on a well-patrolled road. 2. If you are tailgating someone and they slow down, that's your cue to pass and if you can't pass, well then screw you because you are being a dick anyway. 3. It actually makes sense to leave some distance for you too. Have you seen all the deer carcasses on the road? That's because cars hit them. If a deer jumps in front of me and I have to slam on the brakes, I don't want you crashing into me. Based on your body, your reaction time is only fast in World of Warcraft. <ul> <li> Location: Ithaca <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-10T09:42:23-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ith/1459401682.html To the guy who tailgated me for 20 miles this morning text Fulfill My Waffle House Fantasy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1457253329.html This Sunday evening at 10pm, I'll be sitting at the counter of Waffle House on Tunnel Road. I'll be wearing clothing but underneath I'll be naked. You'll know it's me because I'll be eating Bert's BEST bowl of Chili. Please note that Bert's BEST is a large bowl of chili, smothered, covered, chunked and peppered. This clarification is important, just in case there is someone else at the counter eating a bowl of Bert's Chili, which is just chili and not as good as Bert's BEST. After you identify me by my chili and also perhaps by my concealed nakedness, you'll take the stool beside me. At first I won't be sure it's you and the anticipation will be a real thrill for me. When the waitress greets you... I'm not sexist it's just statisticaly probable that your server will be a female because male Waffle House servers are very rare. Anyway, when your waitress greets you, you won't need to review a menu because I'm about to tell you what to order and you'll have it memorized. It may be a good idea to write this down on a small piece of paper and memorize while you're driving to the Tunnel Road Waffle House. Ready? Good. You'll tell the waitress you'll have Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. Curiously enough, topped means topped with Burt's Chili. The other code words stand for melted cheese, grilled tomatoes, and spicy jalapeno peppers, respectively. I mention this because often times people don't care for spicy foods, in which case you can substitute capped for peppered. Capped is the code word for grilled button mushrooms. Either way, I'll still know it's you. Yet just to be sure, in addition to the Hashbrowns, order a city ham biscuit from the DOLLAR$ MENU. Of course it's possible that you may not like City Ham. The name itself can conjur unpleasant connotations if you think too long about it. This isn't important though because you don't have to eat it. It's just something off the DOLLAR$ MENU that you'll order it so I can be sure you're you and not just someone else that happens to be ordering Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. After you order and only after the waitress has walked away, I'll ask you if you'd like a spoonful of my Bert's BEST Bowl of Chili. Don't respond verbally, just looked me in the eyes, squint slightly in a seductive manner and then open your mouth, stick out your tongue and get ready for a spoonful of Bert's BEST. Taste the chili, the sautéed onions, melted cheese, grilled hickory smoked ham and spicy jalepeno peppers. It doesn't matter if you like the spicy peppers or not. You're going to eat them and they're going to be HOT! So hot your salivation may carry a little piece of grilled hickory smoked ham from the corner of your mouth down the precipice of your chin. Don't wipe it off, let it drip. When my body stops covulsing and my emotions return from sheer ecstacy, I'll put a $20 bill on the counter. Then I'll get up slowly and walk out the door. Never to see you again. If this sounds like the kind of thing you're looking for, email me to set up a time to meet. I know I said I'd be there tonight at 10 pm but if more then one woman showed up it would cause confusion. Also I'd like to make sure you're not a weirdo before we meet. <ul> <li> Location: Tunnel Road <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-08T19:29:43-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1457253329.html Fulfill My Waffle House Fantasy text re How do you make friends at bars? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/1455067383.html Buy girls drinks? Please, don't let yourself get used/waste your money. OK, listen up punk.... you got three major factors, no, four, working against you. First, you're male. In case you haven't noticed, and I think you have, females utterly rule the social scene at bars and clubs. A woman can have you thrown out of a bar or club with just a word to the bouncer. You are in their world and are basically powerless. Second, you are young. Most women prefer chatting/blowing.f-cking men a few years older than them (that is, until they crest the magic cougar age of 40, at which time a different set of rules kicks in). You might catch the interest of an 18-YO girl but she won't be at a club since the legal age is 21. And part of the curse of young adulthood (for both sexes) is a lack of experience in life. That's a sub-strike against you to go with the biology and sexual politics of age. Third, you are straight. If you were gay you could be meeting/having sex with any number of guys before midnight tonight, no problem, yet even here in Rochester, NY. But you're not. And last, you are very likely NOT well-off. Make $25k/yr and expect to be a babe magnet? Forget it. 20 years ago I was in the same position you are in, as are 99% of young men. You are appreciated in society if you are willing to get killed or kill others in the name of their freedom or well-being, or if you are the son of wealthy/influential people. Other than that, you are utterly disposable to everyone but your parents. It will not be until or unless you make decent money, get a bit older and wiser, and thus more valuable to society (ie, women) that you stand a chance out there in the social scene. To make matters worse, the average 18-30 YO female is more comfortable and often prefers the company of other females her age. Straight men rarely seek the company of other men their age since what they really want to do is f-ck the girls - unless the other guy is a babe magnet for whatever reason, in which case the motivation remains the same. The girls want to f-ck, too, but "not just anyone". That's hormones and biology at work... at work against you. Now that you are ready to kill yourself, take heart in a few salient facts of life: 1. As time goes on, your value in society goes up. You start as a disposable sperm-farm and eventually end up valued. That is because implicit in your ability to survive until you're at least 30 or 40 is your fitness as a source of offspring and what you can give to others based on your work and experience. You remain valuable, as do females, for what you can do for others. Human beings are ruthless exploiters of their own kind and this has not changed in millenia, though how this manifests does vary here and there. 2. As women age, their value declines. That is because, as you may have guessed based on item 1, it's all about reproductive/sexual potential. As theirs wanes, their power does to; as yours waxes, your power also waxes. That is why a bubbleheaded fool like, oh, say, Paris Hilton, commands headline attention while her equally-vapid and stylish mother does not. 3. So as you get older, life gets better for you in terms of your place in society. But in other ways, it may get worse. Likewise for women as they age, their value declines but in some ways, life gets better. There is no way to solve this problem short of, say, joining a street gang. Those guys make lots of money selling drugs and thus have no trouble getting girls. Girls like "security", which means money. It's all about money. It always has been and always will be. You could be as unappealing as Bill Gates but with his money you can bang every super-hot babe on the planet. This is why law enforcement efforts to stop "gang activity" are doomed to utter and dismal failure. When money and pu$$y is on the line, there is nothing stopping the train. So if you really want to become more appealing socially, find some way to make a lot money fast. Otherwise I suggest you simply bide your time and content yourself with handjobs at massage parlors or $20 blowjobs on Mt Read. Or, you could sign up with the local model rocketry club and at least there you can swap stories about how far you got your rockets to fly and what are the best masturbatory techniques for banging it off right in time when the coxman nuts his load in the porno you plan to watch after you're done playing with your model rockets. You do have one thing down though: drinking. Keep drinking. At your age, it's all you've got. But hang in there, resist the urge to kill yourself. It will get better, trust me. <ul> <li> Location: home <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-06T22:58:52-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/1455067383.html re How do you make friends at bars? text Homophobia is HOT! - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1452019296.html You: Two guys in your 30s, both wearing gray pinstriped suits. Possibly lawyers based on your conversation. Me: Woman in my 30s, also wearing professional dress. Scene: A New Haven line MetroNorth train this morning. Action: I enter a crowded train. The only seats available are the middle sections of the three-seaters. I walk to the end of the car and say politely, “May I sit there?” Guy #1 immediately moves over into the middle seat to continue his conversation with Guy #2. The problem: I realize when I go to sit down that Guy #1 hasn’t actually moved all the way into the middle seat. He is still about 6” away from Guy #2. This means I have to squeeze into 3/4 of a seat. I try not to breathe too deeply. It’s a good thing I don’t have a newspaper to open or I’d accidentally smash Guy #1 in the face while turning the page. But I keep my elbows to my sides and scroll through emails. Occasionally I shift but Guy #1 doesn’t budge. I resolve to go to Bikram yoga more often. You know, to lose all that water weight that's bulking me up. My realization: You were clearly concerned about allowing your thighs and shoulders to touch those of your friend. This is wise and I was being insensitive. A straight man should NEVER allow himself to have fully clothed, completely public, non-sexual body-on-body contact with a same-sex friend. Everyone knows that gayness is more communicable than swine flu. My proposal: Let’s have a threesome. Email me and we’ll get it on. <ul> <li> Location: Fairfield County, CT <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-04T21:32:48-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1452019296.html Homophobia is HOT! - w4m text BJ for Bus Pass? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1451238220.html First of all, when you asked me how i was doing and i said "alright" i was lying. in actuality i was trippin' hard off a really strong pot cookie. how strong? let's just say i'd been skipping the previous buses because i couldn't figure out how to stand up without my eyes falling out of their sockets. add in the factor that my hearing isn't so good from spending way too much money on concerts and i couldn't really understand what you were mumbling when you whispered, "blow you for a bus pass?" I feel bad now for making you repeat yourself like 3 times and still not understanding what the hell you were talking about - I mean, yeah, I understood you needed money for bus fare, but i couldn't quite wrap my brain around the fact that you were offering fellatio in exchange. I mean, it's only four fucking dollars - you could very easily scrounge that up by just asking for spare change. Or were you actually trying to hustle up a transfer too? Either way, I said something like "sorry, can't help you," cuz' i was having a hard enough time trying not to melt down every time the train whistle went off. it then dawned on me what you'd been getting at and i got so nervous and nauseous i had to go sit down. it was a weird combination of disgust, panic, and arousal - like, well, i've never been with a guy, and under choicer circumstances would probably prefer a regular out of the closet healthy moe in designer jeans, and maybe it's the pot talking, but maybe i could be into this. like, where would we go? an alleyway or bathroom? i can't imagine even keeping it up under such a scenario, and like, would you bring a rubber, and that wouldn't even necessarily protect me from genital warts, herpes, or what-not. I mean, what's the etiquette here? either way, the prospect of bartering a bus pass for a BJ from a stranger in or around a public place was just the kind of random sleazy offer a guy spaced out on massive quantities of THC needs to round out his day. considering the spousal unit goes down on me maybe twice a year if i'm lucky, i probably should have said what the hell and saved you the trouble of approaching other men. that, or just given you the freakin' money no strings attached. hope you found a ride. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-04T10:03:33-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1451238220.html BJ for Bus Pass? text Wanted: DEAD Ringneck Dove http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1447181063.html In return for one (1) DEAD Ringneck Dove you will receive one (1) LIVE Ringneck Dove of unknown age. The dove’s name is “Baby” though you will be more than welcome to rename it. We believe it is a “he”, in part because it has never laid an egg of any kind. My wife has had this dove for 15+ years, we keep thinking it will die one of these days, but it just likes life too much. My wife will not let us get rid of it, nor will let me “help it meet it’s end”, the only way this will work for me is if the death appears to be of natural causes. All I need to do is get your dead dove, give you my live dove, you’re happy, and I’m happy. My wife will not be disappointed in coming home to her dead dove, she’s ready for a quiet house too. Pictures are attached, though they all look alike to me anyway. Please help me out, I’ll be checking emails eagerly. Close to Missoula preferred, and I know that time will be of the essence for a successful dove-swap, so I’ll be ready to act on something with short notice. <ul> <li> Location: Missoula <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-01T16:13:33-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1447181063.html Wanted: DEAD Ringneck Dove text An Open Letter to My Fellow Commuters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1444821178.html Greetings, clueless fucks! It is I, the gentleman in the miniature toy car. You may be wondering why I have taken this opportunity to address you all so. Rest assured it is not because I revel in your sad sack, dimwitted company, but because I have made several observations in my many years on the road, which I now wish to share with you, the oblivious traveling public. Alaska, and Anchorage in particular, is an interesting collection of upstanding citizens from all regions, affiliations and sociopathic backgrounds. Naturally, this diversity is often best on display on our roads and highways, few as they are. Our lack of a major freeway system doesn't stop you from showing your true driving colors though, does it? Heck no! In fact, many of you seem to have collectively chosen the four-lane Glenn Highway as your preferred personal proving grounds, particularly during the festive morning and evening rush hours. And now that freezing temperatures and winter winds have finally settled upon the Great Land, now is a hilarious time of year to really ramp up your blackhearted, destructive and/or utterly ignorant efforts to maim, kill or just annoy those around you to the point of road rage-induced coronaries. So let's get started, and take a look at some of the ways in which you can more efficiently make my daily commute a pants-shitting nightmare, okay? 1) Sit your retarded fat ass in the fast lane, and drive like you're stoned. This not only keeps the speedmongers lining up behind you safe and sound, but allows you the chance to make new friends as they're forced to pass you on the right, motioning wildly to you with various finger gestures. Don't be fooled! Those are just some of the friendly symbols many of today's hip urban youth employ. Be sure to wave back and smile, if you even happen to look up and notice that you're the vehicular equivalent of a blood clot. 2) If you're the kind of dumb fat fuck who already sits your retarded fat ass in the fast lane, then consider mixing it up a bit by suddenly plunging down on the gas pedal when the line of cars behind you is attempting to pass on the right. Show others who's really in charge of that fast lane by then slowing down again to the posted legal limit. This playful back-and-forth will really crack up the groggy worker bees behind you, and you'll take pride in knowing you're the biggest fucking douchebag around. 3) Dress up your vehicle. No one likes a drab rear end to stare at while motoring. Fellas, if you're compensating for that sad, limp excuse of a dick with an oversized hillbilly truck you can barely afford, then by all means hang some pretend droopy balls from the undercarriage. I know I chuckle every time I have to explain those to my five year-old daughter. But don't stop at disgusting and ironically homoerotic displays of fake testicles - throw in a set of smokestacks, extra large tires, or a sticker that proclaims your disdain/love for Obama/Bush, other truck manufacturers, a particular brand of snowmachine/dirt bike, fat girls, etc. Make sure to let us know exactly how you feel about the Sierra Club, how you define marriage, and what type(s) of animal(s) you hunt with your rifle/shotgun/bow/rod. Also, don't forget Calvin pissing on or worshipping something. Ladies, we want more flowers! Big dumb hippie flowers that say, "Hey! You in the subcompact hatchback! I may look like another fat girl in a large SUV with a lazy 4-speed auto, but I've got sass!" Nothing gets my day started off better than being stuck behind another "organic Alaska girl", an Alaska girl who "kicks ass", or just some conceited trophy wife whose kids excel at their Christian charter school. It's a hoot! Also, don't forget to remind us of your lost loved ones, especially if they died tragically in their mid-20s while drinking/smoking meth/popping oxycodone and riding their motorcycles/ATVs/snowmachines. And you hockey moms? Let's hear it, you betcha! 4) It's Alaska. It snows. And nothing says "excitement" like being tail-gated in traffic during a snow shower on a slick of black ice, am I right? Sure, the tool in the Suburban in front of me with the USAF - RET'D sticker won't let me go any faster, but that's no reason you can't jam the nose of your '96 Legacy beater a little farther up under my rear bumper! Just because the blinding snow has reduced visibility to near white-out conditions doesn't mean you should ease off, Mario. We can clearly see from the rust eating away at every square inch of your piece of shit ride that you're local, so obviously you know what you're doing. Thanks for the thrill of potential death, though! 5) When in doubt, cut someone off. This is a solid rule of thumb that comes in handy any time of year (though it becomes more exhilarating when the snow flies). Let's say you're in the slow lane, but that giant fucking Lynden road train just won't move its ass. You glance to your left (or not), and notice (or don't) that I'm in my scale model car next to you, or so close to your left rear bumper that any lane change on your part at this point would cause me to suddenly slam on my brakes in horroOH LOOK you did it anyway! Now that's taking the initiative! Who has time for a turn signal? Not me! I'm too busy swerving and dry heaving! A well executed maneuver, sir, kudos to you. And now for the pies de resistance - since you've managed to cut into the fast lane, refer back to step one, and sit your retarded fat ass there, blocking the unlucky souls behind (especially since that huge Lynden rig is still lumbering along on the right). Brilliant tactical move! You now drive like a true fucking cocksucker. <ul> <li> Location: Anchorage/Valley/Hell <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-30T13:39:08-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1444821178.html An Open Letter to My Fellow Commuters text Looking for an average guy for average sex http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1443322973.html Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away. Don't even send me a pic of your penis. I'm a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I'm not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that's what you're looking for. Let's just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you're married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don't bother me. If you've ever experimented with men, I'm also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning... maybe. Could be a regular thing. If this interests you and you're between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn't make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both. <ul> <li> Location: NDG <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-29T16:57:16-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1443322973.html Looking for an average guy for average sex text I Need a Harpoon http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1442952203.html In the spirit of forsaking the mutually sexist paradigm of sexy Halloween costumes, I have decided to be an Eskimo. I am fully aware that I have traded a sexually offensive concept for a potentially racially charged one, but I'm half native, so I figure it's like black people saying the N-word. Right? Right. Plus, I'm a girl. I'm tired of seeing 8 year old reflections of my former self wandering around rainy old Stumptown on a holiday asking for candy while wearing a French maid costume. It makes this Eskimo very sad and want to shelter her with my parka. My own personal conflicts (which are many) aside, I require a harpoon for the ensemble. I have tried to fashion one, but the craftiness of my ancestors got lost somewhere, probably in a smallpox blanket. Said blanket will make me very dead and I have some parties I'd like to attend this weekend before that happens. So, I am willing to drive my meager transportation to your corner of Portland or vicinity and pick up your cumbersome, bulky, takes-up-all-the-patio-space harpoon for absolutely FREE. No money will change hands because I am unwilling to pay for a one-time-use item. It might as well be disposable, but I don't think they make disposable harpoons. I'm not planning to take up whaling after this weekend, so you can rest assured, Keiko will not die at your hands. Unless you plan to kill that beast in your free time, I won't judge you. I'm not here to do that, I'm here to acquire a harpoon. I am accident prone, so the duller the better. Think your harpoon is in too poor of shape to give to me? You're wrong, fool. Older and rustier, the better. Bring on the second hand harpoons, Craig. Regards, The Mighty Quinn <ul> <li> Location: SE Portland <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-29T10:18:55-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1442952203.html I Need a Harpoon text You in the SNOW CAR http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1442777790.html Yeah, YOU. Lazy, ignorant, non-snow-removing phucktard speeding through rush hour traffic on glare ice with 10% visibility. What is your major malfunction, dipshit? I see that you are driving a $40,000 luxury SUV, but you cannot afford a $5 snow brush? It makes me HOMICIDALLY ENRAGED when I see a fucking SNOWBANK with a small patch of hazed over windscreen clear, weaving in and out of heavy traffic, leaving a blizzard of powder in its wake. Sometimes, if they tromp on the gas, half the snow on the roof falls onto the car behind them. Ice encrusted wipers pump furiously to clear away the snow blowing back from their uncleared hood, and if they step on the brakes an avalanche will block their vision entirely. Fuck you, snow car . . . I want to kill you. I saw dozens of snow forts zooming around Downtown this morning. Because it is too much work to warm up your car for a few minutes while clearing the snow with a brush. And they are going to be late to punch in . . . again. Okay, phucktard, here is what you do. Stop popping those Prozacs, turn off your cellphone, and have a cuppa coffee. Then, go outside, clear the driver side door, open it, start your vehicle, turn the defrost on, relock your vehicle (with the spare key none of you yuppie fucks seem to have) and go back inside. Relax for a few minutes while the car warms up. Then, grab your broom and go out there and push the fucking 8" of snow off the roof of your car! After that, you can clear the rest, using a snowbrush and scraper to get the areas the broom can't do. There you go, nice squared away, warm vehicle with full visibility that will not be such a menace to every other motorist. Sometimes I try to visualize what you are doing inside the snow car. I see you listening to shitty music at full volume while balancing a bowl of breakfast cereal on your lap and texting a friend about where you'd like to get drunk after work. I despise you, snow car. And you should be thankful that anti-tank rockets are so hard to come by. <ul> <li> Location: rebuilding my flamethrower <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-29T09:41:40-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1442777790.html You in the SNOW CAR text I hate what America has become http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1442403975.html There are so many reasons that frankly, it's hard to pick a place to start: First of all.....when 28% of you brain dead fucking morons give a blithering IDIOT like Sarah Palin positive approval ratings and think she ought to run for president in 2012, it really makes me sick to know I am lumbered with that many mouth-breathing Cro-Magnons I unfortunately have to consider as my fellow countrymen....trust me.....I don't. You motherfuckers are beyond help. And before you go thinking this is a "liberal" based rant.....that brings me to one more item on an ever-lengthening list. This "Liberal" versus "Conservative" paradigm that so many of you simple dunces buy into.....as BOTH parties sell you out to the multinational corporations, banks and special interests that actually run Washington D.C.).....you do this STUPID dance every day, blithely detatched from the reality that YOU YOURSELF are helping to DIVIDE AND CONQUER the nation, as you myopically beat your little Hannity/Olberman drum of FUTILE self -righteous indignation. PATHETIC. THIS is a nation of PUSSIES AND FUCKING COWARDS. If this nation had any BALLS WHATSOEVER, there would be a trail of DEAD MEN SWINGING FROM THE ENDS OF ROPES leading from AIG, thru WALL STREET, the not-so "Federal" reserve, the 9/11 commission, and right through every other set-up con-job you people just buy into like a bunch of CATTLE BEING LED TO SLAUGHTER. It's not that Americans don't give a fuck.....every misled, misdirected group that goes out and crusades for the "Grand Cause" they think is responsible for the decimation of this ONCE great nation proves that.....the problem IS that the problem ISN'T illegal aliens (i.e. Minutemen) or Democrats in Washington (i.e. Teabaggers) or conservative policies (i.e. Code Pink).......the problem is ...... AMERICANS THEMSELVES. AMERICANS have sat on THEIR ASSES while Washington and the Pentagon have BANKRUPTED THE TREASURY and sent our sons and daughters into MEAT GRINDERS in Iraq and Afghanistan for WMD's and connections to 9/11 that did NOT EXIST and even AFTER the overwhelming evidence that the intel was "swept all up" (doctored, falsified, unreliable) you STUPID SHEEP keep buying into the BRAIN DEAD notion that somehow, these wars are for the FREEDOM of America. You're an IDIOT. They're wars for EMPIRE. Your son's and daughter's BLOOD is being used as OIL to grease an evil, out of control WAR MACHINE....Your money and financial security is being DEVOURED by Wall St. and the Federal Reserve, with collusion from YOUR ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES, and your standard of living is slowly eroding into a two-class system as the middle class is being FORCED INTO EXTINCTION...... ......and you do NOTHING to stop ANY of it. You ignorant FOOLS who send shotgun Emails to all your friends warning of "death panels" and other such HEALTH INSURANCE INDUSTRY PROPAGANDA, yes, you friggin' GOMERS actually think the Health Insurance Industry has your best interests in mind, and it's "dat mean ol' gubmint" that wants to penalize you by providing your family health care that isn't profit-based. MEDICARE only got passed because it effectively REMOVED the highest-risk group to the insurance providers (the elderly) from the 'pool' of prospective insurees, thereby minimizing their financial exposure. It's completely lost on most people that catastrophic illness is the main reason for personal bankruptcy....and that 75% of those who had to file HAD health insurance. And this is the 'status quo' many of you are defending. You are BEYOND dense. America has lost it's HONOR, as well as it's collective senses. I don't wish upon America any malice or catastrophe.....trust me, this is happening with assistance and collusion from the top down, not from some Arab in a cave. I just want to leave peacefully and live in a place that doesn't have leaders that hope for a "catastrophic and catalyzing event" to promote a war agenda that takes pride in kicking the shit out of unarmed peasants living in the dirt....then blames them for retaliating. Can't wait to see this dysfunctional madhouse in my rear view mirror. When you abide by a system of government that you FULLY EXPECT will side AGAINST YOU and WITH corporate lobbyists (MANY of whom represent interests that are not even from the USA) who BRIBE THEM WITH BALES OF CASH....and are working 24/7 to maximize their profits and minimize their potential competition in the marketplace.....all at the expense of you and your family....and don't lift a FINGER to do ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT......you fucking DESERVE WHAT'S COMING. What might that be.....? Think Germany and the treaty of Versailles.....when a wheelbarrow full of Deutschmarks is what it took to buy a MEAL. WHEN the dollar collapses.....not IF, WHEN.....THAT'S when you'll really begin to see the true definition of FASCISM. The unity of government and corporations to economically and militarily control it's people. History WILL repeat itself....but if you're like so many of the morons in the USA who think they're so smart but don't know SHIT.....it will all be NEW TO YOU. Good luck.....you'll need it. This is the most ARROGANT nation in EXISTANCE, second only to ISRAEL....and since ALL of our politicians are falling over backwards to kiss Israel's ASS on a daily basis, fully knowing that exposing any inconvenient TRUTH about them equals political SUICIDE....that and the mass media in America that feeds it's daily ration of BULLSHIT is controlled by individuals biased towards them as well....ANYONE who thinks they know what is going on because they read TIME magazine and watch CNN, FOX news OR MSNBC.....you are DELUSIONAL. One nation under God....? What a JOKE. MONEY is God here pal....even people who are reading this who hate the words I typed KNOW this is true. What does it say in your bible about the love of money? The root of all evil, no? How DARE this nation question human rights abuses of other nations after Abu Ghraib and countless other bombing and torture campaigns, where it was stated it is passable to crush the testicles of young boys in front of their fathers to extract information. How DARE this nation deign to be the world's nuclear police when WE are the only nation to ever USE NUKES. MOST of you actually consider Palestinians as TERRORISTS, when it is THEY who have been occupied, imprisoned behind 25 foot high concrete walls and denied basic human decency by APARTHEID ISRAEL. Those of you who get your info from American media REMAIN IGNORANT OF THE TRUTH. You're probably wondering if I'm some Arab, or other person hostile to "America's Freedoms" lol.... Yeah, you're really free here....... Free to go BANKRUPT if you get sick, even if you HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. Free to vote on DIEBOLD voting machines that can flip elections and leave no paper trail. Free to watch your life savings DWINDLE AND EVAPORATE into the pockets of the ROBBER BARONS you PATRONIZE. Free to watch your JOB get shipped to CHINA....and then you fucking FOOLS buy the goods PRODUCED FORM THOSE JOBS at Wal Mart, further REWARDING AND ENCOURAGING businesses to CONTINUE this pattern. I have never bought a fucking THING from Wal-Mart, and if you have.....you are a simple, stupid FUCKSTICK. You're free to be video monitored, photographed by the millisecond at traffic light traps, electronically surveiled, searched with no warrant, shaken down and partially disrobed at airports, free to be told how much shampoo you are allowed to carry in your luggage, free to buy processed foods that give you cancer, genetically altered vegetables that contain neat things like INSECT DNA, free to pay more than ANY OTHER COUNTRY ON THE PLANET for pharmeceuticals, free to be the pharmaceutical company's guinea pig for drugs that have potentially catastrophic side effects, free to have PUBLIC POLICY DICTATED TO YOU by government 'officials' that have dual citizenship with ISRAEL, free to have ANY MEANINGFUL TRUTH WITHHELD FROM YOU by the mass media...... .....and free to be one of the ONE OUT OF EVERY HUNDRED AMERICANS living in PRISON. Land of the free, home of the brave?? More like land of the SHEEP and home of the SLAVE. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <ul> <li> Location: Repost <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-28T21:58:22-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1442403975.html I hate what America has become text Dear stripper, - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1440718880.html Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now, You were beautiful. 5’8” with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in… Well you know. I’m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn’t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren’t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots. I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather’s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t offer to help you clean. I’m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I’m sorry. Kyle <ul> <li> Location: Tempe <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-27T18:24:46-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1440718880.html Dear stripper, - m4w text Sex duel with the neighbors http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1438787222.html My girlfriend and I live below you. A while back, we were waking up one morning to some weird noises. Kind of like some squeaks at a pretty even pace; I thought it was a ceiling fan or something. Well, it only took a minute to figure out what was really going on. The female moans helped to narrow down the possibilities, and the long deep groan at the conclusion of the session pretty much sealed it. We heard you having sex… we giggled and were kind of embarrassed but wouldn’t you know it, it got my girl in the mood and we began having sex too. Now, my girlfriend has a pretty neat sense of humor, so to make things more interesting she started making some noises exactly like we heard coming from above. Taking her cue, when I delivered the goods I managed to let out a beast of a man-groan that shook the foundation of our apartment. We had to put pillows over our faces to muffle the laughter. The next time we heard you, we couldn’t help but join in. We started before you were even finished. When we heard things from above, we would beckon a response. Soon we were trying to push the envelope and totally out-do you, with moans and cries and screams of pleasure that I’m sure probably caused some commotion. It became sort of a fun contest for us to out-sex you, making sure we lasted longer and were much louder than you. We would do it against the wall hoping that you could feel the pounding. Apparently we had some sort of competitive drive that we really fed off. It was fun. Then one time we were in the process of out-doing you when we heard massive noise from above. We paused for a second to get a better listen. What we heard was indescribable. It sounded as if the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil was upstairs having an orgy; trapeze, elephants and all. We were astonished. Were you returning fire? Had our little game turned into a contest? Were we losing? What was going on up there? How could two people make so much noise? Or did you contract in some outside help? We had to regroup. We brainstormed possible ways to gain the upper hand. We could only do so much with our voices, and it wasn’t fair because you have the obvious advantage of being upstairs. Needless to say, we came up with some ideas. Yesterday morning we heard you two starting to go at it. My girlfriend took off her shirt and mounted me (I must say that her competitiveness is attractive and scary at the same time). What followed was some of the craziest sex we’ve had. Headboard slamming, yelling, squeals of pleasure, cries of pain and anger, hi-profile spanking. We grabbed a broomstick and started hitting the ceiling with it as we fucked like crazy. You, however, were just as impressive, and we could hear the craziness above us as we pushed ourselves to be as wild as possible. Soon we heard you yell words like “HARDER!” and my girl would yell back “DEEPER!” which would soon be followed by “FUCK ME!” which we would reply “FUCK MY ASS!” It was at this point when I had a mental image that would result in this note being written. I imagined what we must all look like having sex at the same time, yelling, pounding the floor and ceiling. We were basically participating in group sex! What started out as a small competition had gotten way out of control. What did our neighbors think? I couldn’t help but start to laugh. We give up. You win. You win the sex duel. It’s been fun, and I am grateful to you for keeping my sex life interesting, but I just don’t have the strength mentally and physically to continue. Now let’s all just go back to having normal sex. Respectfully, Your downstairs neighbor (maybe we’ll meet in person sometime) <ul> <li> Location: Uptown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-26T15:52:10-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1438787222.html Sex duel with the neighbors text to the man shaving on the dufferin bus - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1438270836.html Dear man shaving on the dufferin bus, It was one of those really long days at work, i was exhausted and the bus was late again, and then you sat down beside me, took out a mirror and started shaving - wow! what a way to pick up my day! I couldn't help but notice the sexy way you tapped out the little hairs on the side of the seat. There is nothing more attractive than a man grooming excessively in public. Thank you for making my horrifying 5pm bus ride that much better. Love, dont fucking sit next to me on the bus p.s to the woman with the ass hanging out: WEAR PANTS. <ul> <li> Location: dufferin bus line <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-26T12:25:46-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1438270836.html to the man shaving on the dufferin bus - w4m text saw you leaving my moms house today... - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1437857710.html I saw your very sexy finely tuned ass leaving my moms house today. I cant remember your name but you took my van. I need that van back it was a gift from my dad, well I bought it kinda but he didnt give me the van for like a year but it is mine now and I need my van. You have very large breast that are always falling out your shirt. I think that your way hot and I want you. but seriously I need that van back... You where wearing funny shoes and a goofy pants that make your legs look skinny and your butt look big. Big and fine. I want to know you get a piece of that ass maybe more who knows. Your the kinda girl that I could dip in a vat of nacho cheese and lick clean. you have kinda long hair and a sexy nose. I know what your thinking how could a nose be sexy but yours is soo hot. I cant even control my self. But bring my van back and maybe we can go get some Popsicles on my debt card or sometime. I mean I live with my mother for crying out loud. And who in the hell gave you the keys to my van. It is a blue lumina chevy and the driver side door doesnt open and the mirrior is busted but I need that mini van back. And Iam pretty sure Iam in love with you. so if you see this tell me your name give me my van back and lets get some cold chicken and hummus from the albertsons and chow baby. <ul> <li> Location: spokane <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-26T01:27:19-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1437857710.html saw you leaving my moms house today... - m4w text PDA couple, section 30 row 28 - m4wm http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1437742622.html Ah, what can I say? Your obvious affection for each other was clear, even in the miserable weather during a miserable game. But a couple thoughts. To the guy wearing the orange north face and a baseball cap - I understand, you really, REALLY like your girlfriend, but for fuck's sake, can you not lean over and kiss her every two seconds? Some of us are under six feet tall, and while I enjoyed watching the 20581 different ways you could smooch your girl, I would've enjoyed watching the game, however shitty, much more. To the blonde girl wearing the blue - you might wanna watch out with your man. He could be a real clinger. And I don't know if you noticed the people in the row behind you noticing you, but I'm not sure if he's okay with your sticking your finger in his ass. Just sayin' - if that's how you roll, hey, no judgment, but he didn't seem overly excited when you jammed your digit(s) in his poop chute to the beat of "Hail to the Victors". <ul> <li> Location: the big house, section 30 <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-25T23:46:15-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1437742622.html PDA couple, section 30 row 28 - m4wm text To the large bearded gentleman behind me in line at Dollarama... - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/win/1437509434.html Sunday afternoon, about... 4:30? I had just spent a good 20 minutes strolling through the aisles picking out my selection of items of questionable quality but unbeatable low prices, and now found myself in line to pay. Alas, only two cashiers were working and one was on break. Those of us in line waited patiently for the privelege of paying minimal prices for our shoddily manufactured off-brand goods. Slowly but surely, I made my way to near the front of the line when - what luck! - the second cashier returned and announced "I can help the next person in line over here." The next person in line - why, that was me! In hopes of achieving slightly faster service I of course made my way over as quickly as possible. However, many other people including yourself apparently understood things differently and had gotten there first. You, sir, were particularly adept in successfully establishing your position ahead of me. Your physique suggested that years ago you may have played football as an offensive lineman... perhaps blocking was just second nature? Anyway, somewhat disappointed by this turn of events I was hopeful that the situation could be rectified and - while one of the people formerly behind me was already being served, I interjected "oh, actually I was the next in line". I was probably too far in front of you initially for you to realise this so you objected, though I pointed out the exact person (still being served) who I had been immediately behind. You asked if it was "really that important to me" and thrust your enormous gut into my elbow, perhaps in order to emphasise your point. A bit odd perhaps, but perhaps not terribly out of the ordinary for a busy day at Dollarama. However after again explaining my position, your next comment confused me: "You must be half Muslim." Not being Muslim nor a scholar of major world religions, I could only profess my ignorance "I'm not sure what that has to do with anything". Indeed, I must admit, I have never read the Qur'an, nor am I thoroughly familiar with all the requirements or tenent of Islam, I am not aware of any that deal with proper etiquette in line at dollar stores. You are probably more familar than I am however, especially so as to be able to ascertain (even though incorrectly) that I am exactly one-half Muslim! Clearly I was dealing with an observant and well informed religious scholar. One other thing that confused me... Again I must profess my ignorance in the matter, but... I was not aware it was possible to be half-Muslim. It being a religion, as opposed to say, an ethnicity, it would seem difficult to be 'half-Muslim'. Indeed, my somewhat uninformed recollection is that Islam is one of the more strictly prescribed of major religions, at least compared to others in the monotheistic Judeo-Christian tradition, and it is rather impossible to be halfway about it and still consider oneself a Muslim. Again, however, you must be better informed than I am. Perhaps you are half Muslim yourself? Maybe you have made your pilgrimmage to Mecca, for example, but don't ascribe to the dietary restrictions on alcohol and swine? Perhaps this allowed you to consume the large amounts of beer and pork rinds that contributed to developing your immense gut. This is conjecture of course. Anyway if this is the case, sorry for slowing you down by 30 second in line, especially if this may have impeded you from properly adhering to the schedule for your five times daily ritual prayer. Assuming that's one of the pillars of Islam you ascribe to. Maybe you do it two and a half times a day? You can see how I am confused. Anyway, I was in a rush myself to complete a number of errands - not to mention I did not wish to further hold up the other customers dutifully queued and being served in order - so I did not get the chance to press further on these questions and in so doing reduce my own ignorance on the subject. Perhaps we could meet for coffee - or beer and pork rinds, your call - and you can elucidate me on the details of Islam, its fractional derivatives, and how one can tell them apart based on their behaviour in line at Dollarama. I'll even let you go in front in line to buy coffee. Deal? <ul> <li> Location: Osborne Village <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-25T19:03:14-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/win/1437509434.html To the large bearded gentleman behind me in line at Dollarama... - m4m text A letter to my dead girlfriend - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1437101323.html It has been a rough year darling. The ethereal power of Craig’s List will get this message to you I am sure, like in some sort of cheesy 80s movie. Well back to the last year, you of course died at the beginning of it which put things to a sour start. I spent last night with your mum and dad, we went to that Italian place in Wicker Park, who on the surface seem to be coping. I had everyone get together for my 25th which went well, your ladies are on top form and I think some engagements are brewing. Ellen is turning up the heat on Steve who will soon be forced down to one knee as you predicted. Last weekend I finally took the step of cleaning out your clothes from the closet, which is very barren now. I invited your friends over to take your what they liked, it was an awkward session. I think they took them more as a favor to me than anything else. Liz cried when we pulled out all of your shoes, Miranda joined in and then Catherine broke down. It was strange to stand in our bedroom surrounded by three crying girls. I made a joke about them crying for joy at the prospect of some free Manolo Balhniks which they didn’t seem to find very funny. A few girls have put the moves on and as you know picking up women is not a forte of mine. It seems the grieving boyfriend seems to be a good angle. Who knew! I went on one date and spent it talking about you, the poor girl. You would have found it quite witty I think. No other dates to report, I am going against your orders to move on for now. I found one of those hair tie things that somehow managed to squeeze into every crevice in the apartment. It was under the bed. I sat on the floor holding it and cried. Until then I had held everything together but it just all came flooding out. Every morning when I wake up I forget for a fraction of a second that you are gone and I reach for you. All I ever find is the cold side of the bed. My eyes settle on the picture of us in Paris, on the bedside table, and I am overjoyed that even though the time was brief I loved you and you loved me. Love, P. <ul> <li> Location: Michigan and Wacker <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-25T13:36:43-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1437101323.html A letter to my dead girlfriend - m4w text To the girl I had drunk sex with last night - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1436572326.html Drinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn't it! You can end up doing the craziest things! Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed. Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don't remember meeting you. I don't remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don't know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment. We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That's great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don't remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun. Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don't regret it, though. I just have two questions. What's your name? And, can I please have my wallet back? <ul> <li> Location: Seattle <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-24T21:14:55-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1436572326.html To the girl I had drunk sex with last night - m4w text to the toast-hating man in the black shirt at denny's 10/17 in the AM - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mne/1436118284.html dear sir with not enough text messages to respond to on your "fancy" phone, on saturday morning, october 17, i was dining at the westbrook denny's with three of my kindred folks, and i got up from our table to take some untouched toast from a plate waiting to be cleared a few tables away. you seemed to find this to act to be completely incomprehensible, as you said, "are you serious? are you seriously taking that toast? we're in a denny's, for christ's sake." when i replied, "yes, i am seriously taking this toast," you said, "well, THAT explains why you're dressed that way." unfortunately, though i recognize that you were trying to imply that my favorite-sweatshirt-and-jeans-and-knit-ski-hat attire was suddenly recognizable to you as the "UNIFORM" OF THE POOOO', i regret to inform you that seemed to lack both the wit and the understanding of classism to deliver this line effectively. back to the matter at hand: i will say that you did properly identify that i am a poor person. poor or not, i think it is a-okay to eat leftovers, even right off a table in a restaurant, and even someone else's. however, on that day, my poorness was not the sole reason why i was taking the toast -- i was taking the toast because: -- perhaps unbeknowst to your incredulous self, there are children and adults starving all over the world and right down the street from whatever type of place you live in. at restaurants like denny's and every other food eatery and dispensary that is not your kitchen (though i suspect it wouldn't be a far stretch to assume that this probably happens in your kitchen as well), thousands of pounds of fresh and fully-edible food go to waste every day because of fucked-up social standards about "food hygiene." maybe you're a big fan of perpetutating american excessism, but i'm not. that's why i didn't want to see this toast go to waste. -- i like free shit just as much as the next person. this includes free toast. -- i did need some toast crumbs to complement my deliberately-planned "poor uniform," which i wore just so you could check off on your classist bingo card that you saw a Real Live Homeless PersonTM -- at DENNY's, of all places. like homelessness and starvation are a. something to laugh about or mock, and b. not a reality for thousands of people all over the state of maine every day. finally, i hope life grants you good karma enough to never have to take someone else's uneaten bread from a table or to have to search a dumpster for something edible, and that, in return, you might consider this class-based privilege reason enough to advocate for the rights and basic needs of the poor, underemployed, unemployed, starving, and homeless. sincerely, reducing oppression one piece of toast at a time <ul> <li> Location: westbrook denny's <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-24T16:26:20-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mne/1436118284.html to the toast-hating man in the black shirt at denny's 10/17 in the AM - m4m text Bot seeking Bot - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1435924045.html Hi all! Generically attractive, with slightly above average - yet almost believable - description and measurements here! I am in a loveless, sexless, or otherwise unfulfilled relationship or I am recently divorced! I am looking for a man who knows how to party, play, treat me like a lady, or be rough with me. I've thought about, never done, or heard about posting on here before. Can't wait to hear from, irritate, annoy, or distract you! Are you man, foolish, stupid, or just plain desperate enough to reply? Talk to you. Steal from you, infect your pc soon, Trixie, Megan, Jennifer, Sarah, or Lois <ul> <li> Location: Your location <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-24T11:17:59-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1435924045.html Bot seeking Bot - w4m text All I ever wanted was to be woken up by your car alarm. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1435524833.html No really, the sound of your car alarm going off six..sometimes seven times a day is truly a comforting sound. I especially like when it goes off at 1:00am...and then again at 5:00am. THANK YOU so much! Usually after the worst day of my life, it's the first and only sound that I want to hear. I shouldn't be sleeping anyways as we all know that sleep is for the weak. My cat would also like to thank you. As if having his entire life uprooted and moved to a strange new place isn't traumatizing enough, he gets to listen to the piercing sound of your pride and joy telling the world that the wind has blown. It's alright though, since you've got me up so early, I have plenty of time to try to coax him out from underneath the bed before I leave for work to experience the next worst day of my life. I understand that protecting your belongings is important to you, but you're the fucking rudest person I've never met. If you don't fix that shit I'm going to do enough damage to get at least a full month of peace and quiet while it's in the shop. <ul> <li> Location: Peabody <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-24T10:04:46-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1435524833.html All I ever wanted was to be woken up by your car alarm. text You puked on my leg - m4w (196 bus to York) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1433928000.html Me: Young, professional-looking law student heading to school a bit early on the 196 bus to York. Black coat, dark pants, nice shoes, brief case, coffee mug. It's job interview call-day for the law firms and I wanted to get to school early so I could sit down in a quiet place, relax, and answer the phone for half an hour. You: Another passenger on the bus, possibly with swine flu or a nasty hangover. I never got to see your face but you obviously couldn't contain yourself when you saw me, as you vomited all over my leg as we got off the bus. Nothing like wiping other people's puke off your jeans with Subway napkins at 8 in the morning. Thanks. <ul> <li> Location: 196 bus to York <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-23T08:11:07-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1433928000.html You puked on my leg - m4w (196 bus to York) text Wingwomen wanted - $30/hr http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1433894622.html Wingwomen wanted! A wingwoman is a woman who goes into a social situation with the purpose of helping the guy or guys she is with meet women. This is actually an extremely easy and fun job, but many women find it so counter-intuitive that they simply cannot do it. The role is a wingwoman is to: -Relax, laugh, have a good time, and emanate a genuine, positive energy. -Recognize that her presence alone and her silence are often all that are needed! -Understand or be willing to learn the counter-intuitive principals of how men really attract women. This is not about you expressing your opinion on relationships, dating, how you think dating should take place, or offering advice. What it is about is getting paid to have a great time doing the most fun, exciting, easy job you have ever done! I am a classy professional who was part of a group in NYC that employed four part-time wingwomen for the past year. I have recently moved to San Francisco, and am looking to hire two part-time wingwomen to join me at cocktail parties, nights out at the best lounges and clubs, charity events, and other Bay Area happenings. My goal is to find a serious relationship with the right woman, and to have a lot of fun searching for her and meeting new people in the process. Please include a photo with your response. I look forward to hearing from you, and possibly to working with you! <ul> <li> Compensation: $30/hr <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-23T03:46:18-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1433894622.html Wingwomen wanted - $30/hr text I'll admit it...you got to me... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1433291658.html Dear anonymous craigslist poster looking for love: Your title was catchy. I was intrigued. I would like to respond to your post, and give you a little insight as to my own personal reaction to your personal ad. I thought your preamble was nice, before you launched into a laundry list of what you would like in a woman: 1. Will always be on time or will call when she's be late - Okay. That's reasonable. Sounds good. 2. Will fall asleep in my arms as I read stories to her - Sounds kinda romantic. Can I choose the story? 3. Will let me spoon and rock her to sleep - Spooning sounds alright, but I think the last time I was rocked to sleep I was in diapers... 4. Will spend an entire day perusing book stores looking for anything - Sure! 5. Will trust my judgment - Is this a pre-requisite? 'Cause I gotta get to know you a little before I trust your judgement. I know very few people who's judgement I trust entirely. 6. Will trust me to tell her the truth when she asks how does this look? - Oh dear. I get the feeling you don't like to play that little bullshit game...most men don't. Do you expect me to change my outfit if you don't approve of it? Would you change yours, if you trusted me to give an honest opinion? I have a feeling you would pull out that little "accept me as I am" card. 7. Will let me make her soup when she is sick - You betcha. Why is this a problem? It's only common courtesy, and I would do the same for you. 8. Will let me give her my jacket when she is cold - Aww. Sweet. I trust you will tell me the truth when I ask you how it looks on me. 9. Will let me brush and pull her hair - mmmmkay...so far, I'm getting read stories, being rocked to sleep, being told what looks good on me or not....and now you are brushing my hair....will my hair be getting pulled because you are trying to put pigtails on me? I think you secretly want a daughter.... 10. Will ask my opinion on makeup and clothes- Yup, I'll ask, but I'm beginning to not trust your judgement..( oops. just screwed up request # 5...) why you gotta be so choosy as to how I present myself? Are you sure you don't want a daughter? Hey, look, whatever man, lots of guys of craigslist are into that...they are just prepared to spend money on it. 11. Will entertain my friends- Fer sure! Its a win-win situation! Your friends are gonna LOVE me, since you have personally molded me into your version of dream girl fembot. Is there a pole that I dance on? Or do I just wear a boyfriend-approved apron and serve nachos and beer while y'all are playing video games? Hey, can my friends come over? 12. Will have a life away from me- I guess that answers my question from #11. 13. Will let me be proud of her- I, for the life of me, don't understand how this can be an issue. Did you manage to damage some girls self-esteem so much that she hated herself? 14. Will flirt with others but leave with me- That way, you can rub it into every other guys face that this dreamgirl fembot is YOUR bitch. 15. Will appreciate my off kilter sense of humor- Does this mean you will find a funny way to tell me I look fat in my jeans? Laughter heals all. 16. Will let me kiss her just the way I want to- Yeah, I agree there's give-and take in any physical relationship. What if the way you kiss doesn't turn me on? 17. Will be strong enough to stand on her own yet let me help take of her- I'm strong enough to stand on my own. Good career, financially stable, a supportive network of family and friends. I think what you really meant to say was " Will be strong enough to stand on her own, but let me tell her what to do..." Good luck with that. 18. Will teach me something I don't know- Easy. Did you know Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an Alligator? Whew. I passed! 19. Will let me make her dinner- Yup. I think we should share that chore, actually. Oh, you mean you wanted to do it occasionally? I guess I'm making it most of the time.... 20. Will enjoy quiet time in the evenings with me- Of course. As long as I'm wearing boyfriend approved clothes and makeup, and not too exhausted from making dinner, standing on my own, and entertaining your friends. 21. Will think of me when she touches herself- Now you want to control how I masturbate? Jesus. I can only promise you that I'll think of you most of the time, because I've had this one fantasy I've been furiously rubbing the pink to for about five years...damn. Okay, I'll give it all up, as long as you promise to censor your random sexy thoughts as well... 22. Will speak highly of me when I am not around- Insecure much? 23 Will slow dance with me to Classic Motown songs- I can do that! Yay me! 24 Will accept my compliments with grace- Why the hell wouldn't I? They sound like they are going to be few and far between... 25 Will do what she chooses not what other people say she should- Everyone except you, of course. Because I trust your judgement, see? 26. Will have a between being selfless and selfish- I think I know what you are saying here. I believe that's called normal. I'm down with that. Ditto. 27. Will let me hold her hand when walking- Yes. That's sweet. Wait a minute...does it have to be ALL THE TIME? 28. Will let me make love to her- Check. 29. Will let me have sex with her- Double check. 30. Will let me fuck her- I see we have found some common ground. I simply adore fucking. 31. Will let me show her the face of God- Okay, what? Yer buddies with GOD? Dammit all, why don't you ask him to make you a woman, then? Just kidding. I know the whole "face of God' thing is just a figure of speech. Does this have anything to do with all the lovemaking/sex/fucking talk? Sounds a wee bit narcissistic....the only thing I can offer you is to take a journey of self-exploration together.....I guess that just doesn't cut it. 32. Will understand a true artist- Oh shit. That means I'll be supporting us. Glad I'm a woman that can stand on my own, and piggy-back the guy who wants to help take care of me. 33. Will let me be me- Hmm. Does that mean I should accept the fact your crusty socks and paint soaked clothes are going to be tossed all over the house? Can I be me? Some have taken a rather dim view of my acrid wit over the years...but you will love me for me, right? 34. Will have little to no expectations of me- Okay, here's the kicker. This is really what got me going on this. So far, I count 34 expectations you have of me, and we haven't finished going through all of your requests. This doesn't seem very fair. Is this your off-kilter humor shining through? 35. Will appreciate that I love the little things in life- As do I dammit, but some things cost money. Just because your an artist, and can apparently show me the face of God does not mean I'm going to foot the bill ALL the time. 36. Will never drive drunk- No shit. That's pretty serious, and I am sorry for you if you have ever lost anybody due to someone else's stupidity. 37. Will look me in the eye when she says I love you- You have been lied to by someone. Again, I feel sorry for you. 38. Will compliment other women that look good- Yes, I appreciate beauty. However, that does not mean I want a threesome. Nor does it mean I will tolerate you constantly checking out other women in front of me. You only think of me when you jerk off, right? Hypocrite. 39. Will enjoy a night at the theatre or a ho down equally- I think that's whats considered a Freudian slip, right there. Refer to #38. 40. Will encourage me to accomplish the impossible- Oh, for fucks sakes. First, you want to be my daddy, and now I'm supposed to mother you. Hey, I'm all for pursuing dreams, but if you are screwing up my financial security while chasing down your dreams, I will seriously have to kick your ass. Who the hell are you? Richard Heene? 41. Will let me adore her- If you ever find a woman like this, I will be the first in line to adore her. 42. Will share her dreams with me- Okay, so lets refer to #40 here. Will you encourage me to accomplish the impossible, or am I simple allowed to share my dreams, and be the anchor while you pursue yours? 43. Will be proud of me- I think its natural to be proud of the person you love. I also think its natural to love someone unconditionally. It seems like your asking for a lot and not really giving a lot in return. 44. Will know I will do all these things and more for her- Pardon me for being nit-picky here, but out of the above list of 42 items, I see only five or six where you will be willing to do anything. Seriously, how hard is it to "let you be proud of me?" The rest of this list is not-so-clever demands. That's false advertising, my friend. 45. Will appreciate that I took the time to write this- Look at that. You are already looking for applause...because you wrote a personal ad, outlining all the things you want in a woman. People do that every damn day. I have a feeling that if I were ever in a long term relationship with you, I'd constantly be reminded of how you made me soup back in 2009 when I was down with H1N1. Best of luck in your search for love and happiness. <ul> <li> Location: around here <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-22T15:18:55-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1433291658.html I'll admit it...you got to me... text Need 2 premoters, 2 cooks, 1 doctor and 4 strong men: Exp. Spacecraft http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1433202599.html I am in the final stages of completing an experimental space craft. This ship is a top secret project that has been worked on since the 1890s, passed on from generation to generation and will be a major turning point in the world's history. I am in no position at all to discuss the technology behind this craft because the technology is HIGHLY classified and we can't afford to have any military or government officials find out. We will be conducting our first test flight this December. We will be conducting a multitude of tests at various altitudes. The first test will be a few hundred feet, few thousand feet than sub atmosphere level. The final test will be conducted on March 25th, between Montreal and Mars. The trip will take about 2 hours there and back. The technology we use to hide the ship is advanced stealth technology. -- We need the following crew members to help us in the preliminary tests of the craft. - 2 promoters. You will be needed to promote the ship - 1 doctor. We have our own doctor on the team but we need 1 more. - 2 cooks. We need cooks for the test flights. - 4 strong men. General laborers to help in the cargo bay. -- All interested candidates will have to go through a very complex process. You will be sworn to secrecy and live in our compound until the ship is revealed in March 2010 on Mount Royal. Please apply now! <ul> <li> Location: Montreal <li> Compensation: All volunteers. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-22T16:22:17-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1433202599.html Need 2 premoters, 2 cooks, 1 doctor and 4 strong men: Exp. Spacecraft text Shared Smile/ Brief Eyecontact? w4m - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1430808905.html You: I saw you on the street this afternoon Walking at a medium pace Brown shortish hair Brown eyes Medium height Average build Me: Also on said street Walking at medium to jaunty pace Brown hair Brown eyes Medium height Proportionate We made eye contact I think. You glanced up and away. You might have smiled, but you might have a tick. I think you were flirting with me. You brushed your bangs from your eyes suggestively. Maybe it was just an itch. If you're not too itchy let me know. PS I'm into a lot of kinky stuff: Role play (specifically with taped hands) Chains or tape Taping my thumbs to my hands, and pretending I'm a dinosaur Being spat on Blindfolded, earplugged conversation No contact intercourse (celibate miming) Braces/ Retainers Men without teeth and excessive or no body hair <ul> <li> Location: St Laurent <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-21T01:06:39-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1430808905.html Shared Smile/ Brief Eyecontact? w4m - w4m text This ad SOLD, This ad RENTED http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1423276575.html Got to get something off my chest here, something that pisses me off. If you sell something, if you rent something out to someone, if you successfully trade for something, then take the god damn ad off of craigslist. Seriously. What are you, bragging? "Eww, look at me, I'm so smart. I sold something. And you'll never get it. La la la. Sold sold sold." What I don't get is the mindset. Like you sell something to someone. You put a blue coleman cooler on craiglist. Some person phones you up, emails you, and they say "hey, word up, I need a blue coleman cooler. Sell it to me. I'll buy it off you for 8 dollars." And you are smiling, thinking "no shit? 8 bucks? 2 more dollars and I'm in the double digits. Lucky day." So you arrange a meeting over 4 emails and buckaroo shows up with ten bucks hoping you've got a twoonie change. And you do. You jumped in the couch, throwing the cushions all willy nilly, here and there, cousteau'ing for some change and you find it and you have it in your pocket but you are kind of pissed off because this guy knew it was 8 dollars and he didn't take the time to get change? What the fuck. Motherfucker. But you are honest and you just kind of want to get rid of that blue coleman cooler so you're like "yeah, I got two dollars change." But buddy, he wants to check the cooler out first. He opens the lid, gives it a look, kicks the tire sort of thing. Sold. He gives you a ten and you give him a two and you'll never remember the colour of each other's eyes. And then what do you do? You log on to your stupid email account, click the link to your ad, and you edit it. You put SOLD at the end of your craigslist ad. You could have pushed the delete button. Could have just gotten rid of the ad forever. But instead you EDIT the fucking posting so now every time someone is looking for a blue coleman cooler they have to see your hairy ad mocking everyone. 2 Bedroom Apartment for rent - RENTED. What the fuck is that about? If I wanted to peruse rented apartment buildings I'd walk around the block. Rented. Rented. Rented. They're all rented. Every house, every apartment in my neighbourhood has lights on at night. People live there. The habitats are all RENTED. I don't need you hopping on to the craiglist and letting me know that yours too is now rented. Sorry, RENTED! You missed out slouch! You slacker mother fucker. That's what your ad is telling me. "Hey slacker motherfucker. Screw you pal. Should have needed this yesterday, you prick." I hope the next time you go to a restaurant every thing you order has already been ate. What's the soup of the day? It's the soup of yesterday. SOLD. How's the pasta? Al Dente? No. Al RENTED. Why is the menu blank? Because we sold everything on the menu so we TOOK IT ALL OFF THE MENU. In fact, this isn't even a restaurant anymore. Now it's a god damn tire shop. Sorry for the confusion. We probably shouldn't be running ads saying we have food SOLD OUT. We are open CLOSED. My favourite colour is blue RED * UPDATE * GREEN. Other than that, I think everything is great and I hope you have a fantastic day. <ul> <li> Location: Craigslist <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-15T15:59:19-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1423276575.html This ad SOLD, This ad RENTED text Big Grade Gelding http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1422208953.html Big grade gelding. Been used as a pickup horse until he got hooked by a bull. Think he has a split personality, some days he's great, some days he's a real prick. No secrets here, you need to tranq him to shoe him or he will try and kick your head off. He has been used for branding, moving cows, ranch roping ect. And like I said, some days he is great, we have had beginner riders on him and they have done fine, I have ridden him in the hills or gathered on him and he was fine,He is not great to catch, although we have him turmed out on 140 acres so he can leave if he wants, but in a smaller pen he is much better. he just needs someone that isnt going to take his shit on a regular basis. He needs to be taken and used. If you are looking for a horse that you can ride twice a year, well then this is not the horse for you., But if you use your horse as often as you change your pants then he will probably suit you perfect. We bought him with the intention of selling him and because we have more than enough horses he has gone to the bottom of the priority barrel. He is not a horse for the faint hearted, if you are handy and need a project or if you think you are handy and need to try and prove it. I think he is about 11 years old. 15.3 hands. Anwsers to the name of Dick. Ok, he doesn't anwser, thats just what I call him. $2,500 obo. <ul> <li> Location: Stevensville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-15T00:54:27-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1422208953.html Big Grade Gelding text re: novel editor wanted by an idiot http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1422107947.html You SERIOUSLY, with a straight face, typed that you wanted someone to edit your novel for $25...... Bud, you take the Craigslist idiot cake. You really do. I have seen some pretty low lowball ads in here, but you just took it to a whole 'nother level of low. WTF? I mean it. What the hell is in your crack pipe? Tell you what. Why don't you hike your ass over here paint my house for $45. The whole thing, front yard to back yard. two stories. Don't forget the garage. No, better yet. Hope about you rebuild my Explorer transmission for $62. Or, can you replace all the pluming in my house for $87.46 And then, when you are done, I'll edit your fucking novel for $25. You people... I swear... <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-14T20:49:50-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1422107947.html re: novel editor wanted by an idiot text Children's guillotine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lwr/1420282302.html Looking to get rid of this childen's size guillotine, only used once. Has been cleaned and recently oiled, sure to make any child happy! Christmas is coming up soon so don't miss this one!! <ul> <li> Location: Lawrence KS <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-13T18:55:52-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lwr/1420282302.html Children's guillotine text Can I flush your head in a toilet while blasting Hall & Oates? m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1420147998.html I want to flush your head repeatedly in the toilet while making love to your behind. Hall & Oates will be playing at top volume, at some point "Highway to the Danger Zone" will be played for sure. My house smells amazing and my penis is not sick or deformed. Don't act like you haven't thought about this exact scenario before. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-13T18:21:41-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1420147998.html Can I flush your head in a toilet while blasting Hall & Oates? m4w text Solidarity to the woman who also had her car crapped in - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1417383871.html When I smelled and retched at the surprise that had been left in my broken in car, I knew instantly that I could google for "shit in my car" and that I would find someone in San Francisco that had had this terrible thing happen to them as well. And sure enough, you are the first hit when said terms are googled for (a best of CL no less, I would post the URL for you convenience, but the TOS bars that). ONLY in San Francisco is having your car shit in a common enough experience that you could form an online support group for it. This was definitely one of the lower points of my life that I don't tweet or broadcast, the only other incident was being sexiled out of the hotel room in Manhattan that I had paid by a girl that I was chasing who decided to hook up with someone else at the same conference. I read your post and I felt an immediate solidarity with you. My poor Honda Civic has been through a lot, really the gamut of auto drama that life in San Francisco can bring: broken into more times than I care to recall, towed and held hostage in the city tow lots, borrowed by housemates who decide pack their whole stash of weed in plain sight get high and then commit a hit and run and get pulled over, getting inundated in dust storms at burning man... One time I even forgot to lock my car after parking it in the Tenderloin and found somebody sleeping in it when I got back. But this one truly tops it off :( Like you, oh anonymous poster, I'm a real softie -- I give money, food, cigarettes and if I'm particularly drunk even carry on conversations to all the people on the street in my neighborhood. I know their stories and half of them by name, and I know that almost all of these characters are really nice people. But like the anonymous poster, this time I feel more withdrawn, not just from the streets of the city, but people around me. I know it will pass in a couple of days, but I know somewhere out there a person that crapped in my car for absolutely no other reason (there was NOTHING to steal in my car) than they could :(. Could you really be so malicious as to shit in the driver's seat, barring me from moving the car and avoiding a ticket when the street cleaning comes about? Here is my post of solidarity to you, woman who also had her car shit in. If by chance you see this posting, maybe you can drop me a line and I can take you out to coffee and you can show me your cute fetish boots, and I'll show you my cute hair braids, and we can transform this difficult experience into a magical synchronicity that we wouldn't trade the world for -- the type of experience that can happen ONLY in San Francisco. Oh and even if you aren't this mystery poster, but you have had similar fecal experiences, feel free to reply and relate, I'd love to hear your stories. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-11T23:52:35-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1417383871.html Solidarity to the woman who also had her car crapped in - m4w text Camper Bike Vintage http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mod/1416128533.html Must sell, my legs just cant do it anymore, especially with my fat wife, and my worthless dog riding inside the camper. <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1416128533.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Modesto <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-10T22:43:35-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mod/1416128533.html Camper Bike Vintage text Sing to me, O Muse, seductively sibilant strains, inspiring my spirit http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1412481974.html I was going to sing you an epic poem rife with soft, alluring words, but Calliope withheld her inspiration. It would have been a masterpiece; it would be funny, engaging, charming, and sure to show my awesome intelligence. It would have clearly and convincingly demonstrated that I am interested in all the things that you are interested in, and that we disagree on little more than favorite gelato flavors (and even then, only in unimportant ways). You’d have laughed at my witticisms about zombies and physics, been impressed with my deep and noteworthy thoughts on Tom Stoppard, Cormac McCarthy and my preference for Newton over Leibniz. My taste in video games would have nicely complemented [notice the correct usage, please] yours. You’d appreciate my allusions to internet dating articles about word choice and usage that craigslist won’t let me link. You’d be struck instantly with the realization that I was the Mario to your Luigi, the Hall to your Oates, the Kevin Bacon to your Lori Singer. I’d have included a picture. You’d have been smitten with me: my delicate crow’s feet, angular but welcoming features, big brown eyes with just a tint of green, non-ironic pearl-snaps and well-heeled boots, mussed but close-cropped brown hair with natural highlights, the slightly off-center blemish on my rather large nose—compounding two minor imperfections, making me just imperfect enough to be approachable—distracting you from realizing that my five o’clock shadow and seemingly uncultivated eyebrows are, upon closer inspection, carefully manicured. You’d have realized that the attention I’d obviously paid to my looks arose not from solipsism or vanity, but from just a hint of insecurity from my slender yet well-defined frame. You’d have reposted my ad on your facebook, linked it around on gchat. Your friends would be smitten, too. We’d trade a few emails to make sure the other was real. Eventually, one of us would work up the nerve to strike up a casual conversation over gchat (using our integrated AIM clients, a throwback to a more innocent day before Google had integrated everything, back when using the internet was a challenge, reserved for those select nerds with the wherewithal to master it). Or, it would appear to be casual; we’d be trying so very hard to make it casual—itself a form of poetry. We’d do that delicate dancing that two people do as they feel each other out, trying to discern if the other was interested without being too direct or tipping our own hand. We’d trade ironic interests, trying to one up another’s humor: you’d claim you were on a campaign to satisfy your irrational hatred of Stevia-based sweeteners, I’d claim to love cutting out other people's faces on family photos and putting my own in their places. We’d share a few humor links, but we’d both pretend that we were far funnier than those humor artists—that only we could properly appreciate the failings of those articles while simultaneously appreciating them for what they were. Eventually we’d agree to get coffee at some place with a fair trade option for you and something just above Folger’s for me. You’d walk in, and I’d be left breathless by how beautiful you were, even prettier than your pictures suggested. We’d greet in delicate, slightly lisping tones, and a spark would pass between us (and not just because I had been furiously rubbing the carpet in an attempt to generate static electricity just for that moment). We’d have a great time, hit it off, and do it again. We’d wait for just the right time to hook up—not because we were drunk, not because we were lonely, but because we couldn’t wait any longer. The sex would likely be mediocre at best, but neither of us would even realize that. We’d be stunned at how right and comfortable everything felt, even those few days immediately after the first hook up where neither one of us is sure what the hell the other one thinks. It would have been so wonderful, ripped straight from a storybook (the very ones we had made so much fun of, just to show that we were the proper level of jaded. “It only happens that way in Disney movies,” we’d have said). It’d be our little joke, amusing because it worked out so well. But unfortunately Calliope withheld her inspiration. <ul> <li> Location: Austin, TX <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-08T14:23:39-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1412481974.html Sing to me, O Muse, seductively sibilant strains, inspiring my spirit text The word "cunt" has lost its edge http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1410768883.html I think it's time for a worse swear than "cunt". It used to be that was the absolute top of the swearing hierarchy. You could stop any discussion just by flashing the joker of all swear words. I mean... wow. Cunt. it's got two hard consonants. Not only that, but they are at the beginning and at the end. Come in with a crash, go out with a bang. And the 'u' gives it that really short syllable sound. See, the word "fuck" is similar, but it's just too undecided. First off, it begins with sort of a foo foo sounding letter... fffff, I mean what's that? Then as far as the meaning, well it's just not focused enough... could be a noun, could be a verb... you can combine it with other words, there's just no direction. Make up your mind. Now... "cunt", there's a word that knows exactly what it's trying to say. It doesn't need a context. But now everyone's on the cunt bandwagon, and it's just not the same anymore. There isn't that thrill of "ooohhh, who's gonna top that?". It's just mundane everyday now. We need something that can be applied to anyone, an equal opportunity word like fuck or cunt but worse. Cuck? Nah, that's too much like cock. What about Funt? No, that just sounds like gay football or something. So, anyway, if someone's got any ideas... run it by the rnr panel of judges, and we'll let you know if yours is a winner. For now, let's slow down on the usage of cunt... like antibiotics. And don't forget to wash your ass. This has been a public service announcement. . <ul> <li> Location: time to tighten the scrotum strap <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-07T11:06:10-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1410768883.html The word "cunt" has lost its edge text This is not a good day. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1409171984.html This day began next to a man you don’t know in your bed. Maybe you like him, you think. You examine his face while he sleeps. No, you do not like him. He wakes up and starts speaking and you like him even less. This man is friends with your boss, whom you also woke up next to at one point in your life, not so long ago, okay, eight months ago, fuck, what were you thinking, shit, after a similar evening. That is why you are eating grape jelly and butter sandwhiches as quickly as you can make them, naked, in your kitchen at three in the afternoon. You see your reflection in the window in front of you, and you realize there is grape jelly on your left boob. You do not look pretty. You are wolfing sandwiches the way that Russian feral child that Jane made you watch Youtube videos about would probably wolf sandwiches, were she given any. You wonder if she was given sandwiches. You love sandwiches. The sandwiches don’t make this day better. Everything you did last night, you regretted. You knew you were creating regrets as you did things. But you did those things anyway. The man, even before he gets out of your bed, has already told you that he wouldn’t be able to live without his mother and that he photographs buttons for a living. Oh my god you need a sandwich. Not a martini. Because that is what got you into this mess. You go to breakfast, because you realize that if you make the man go to breakfast with you he will not be in your bed anymore. You hate him in your bed, almost as much as you hate him in you. He’s very nice. He really is. Very self deprecating. Not wittily so, just sort of down on himself and awkward. Oh no. Okay here we go. No, you’re not lame at all. I’m lame because I am going to smile and nod politely through this breakfast and then I will give you a dry kiss before I get out of your car and then I will never, ever sleep with you again. And you have no idea. I am a dick. I am such a dick. You eat half your eggs, box up the rest, irrationally scold this man you don’t know who you had sex with for not taking home his breakfast. He doesn’t eat leftovers. You’ve been known to eat out of a dumpster. Not really, but kind of. Who is this guy, jeez. So, you eat the eggs, and then take the rest home, and then start going through your phone and apologetically texting everyone you texted the night before. You don’t remember sending those texts, you’re sorry. You were possessed. Possessed by Stoli. You suddenly realize you didn’t use a condom, you need to be tested for stds, and- awesome- you need to go buy the morning after pill so that you don’t get pregnant with Chase’s (Chase, that’s his name, right?) baby. Fuck. Which you can’t afford. There is jizz on your bath towel. Fuck. Also, you don’t like your hair. Also, you are not allowed to drink anymore, or go out. Or anything. You hate men. You hate sex. You hate body hair. You hate your sheets. They need to be washed. That much is crystal clear. You eat your leftovers. You are reminded of this time that you and your ex boyfriend who broke up with you without warning three weeks ago went to brunch. He got eggs and you got a seared tuna salad. It was the most amazing salad you ever had in your whole life. You were so hung over, and it tasted so beautiful, like the ocean and childhood and love. The perfect greens were perfectly coated in a perfect balsamic vinagrette. Chilled roasted potatoes and tomatoes, perfectly seasoned and salted, were layered with hunks of snowy, fluffy goat cheese. A row of thick, purple slices of tuna encrusted in black pepper topped the whole perfect thing. It was amazing and you wanted to put the whole fucking plate in your mouth at once, but you couldn’t finish it, you got full, and your then boyfriend took home the leftovers, his and yours, and the salad called to you all day while you were at work. And you worked a double. You worked twelve hours of hell, and your leftover salad was the beacon of light at the end of the dark tunnel that was your shitty, shitty, shitty fucking day. And you finally clocked out at work, and rode your bike in the cold rain all the way home to your then boyfriend’s apartment, and you took off your clothes and kissed him and put on pajamas and padded into the cold dark kitchen and opened the fridge to find his pancakes and no salad. Your shitty, shitty, shitty fucking then boyfriend, now ex boyfriend, ate your leftovers and not his own, because, as he said when you asked him about the situation, without taking his eyes off of the TV, “yours looked better.” Which is true, it did, but it was yours and he didn't really care about that, and you wanted it, and he didn't care much about that either, you see that now and you suddenly want that salad so bad, so bad, so bad. And you’re thinking about this as you sit in your bed with your keys and your jizz covered towel and several People magazines and you think Oh my God. I need a fucking sandwich, And What a dick. I don’t miss him at all. And Why the fuck doesn’t Chase eat leftovers? Sooooo good. Jeez. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-06T14:05:43-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1409171984.html This is not a good day. text the drudgery of adulthood for single, free-spirited life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1406553705.html Tired, achy, worn-down 39 year old seeks to trade one weekend with his 20 year old former self. 20 year old former self will get a gut, thinning hair, bills, a honey-do list a mile long, a soul-killing job, and the realization that it's going to be another 26 years to retirement. Tired, achy, worn down 39 year old will get a flat stomach, chest and arm muscles, a full head of hair, and access to keg parties and tipsy 18 year old college women. More than willing to make this a permanent thing. <ul> <li> Location: Fairfax, VA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-04T21:51:12-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1406553705.html the drudgery of adulthood for single, free-spirited life text wanted: girl's who know how to use apostrophe's http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1403256967.html If you like party's, event's, photo shoot's, and bicycle's, but don't know that plural word's don't require apostrophe's, then please contact me before any posting's. I will gladly proofread so I don't have to read another mis-apostrophed ad in search for a gig that better fit's me. Thank's. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-02T12:20:36-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1403256967.html wanted: girl's who know how to use apostrophe's text Grammar Patrol http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1402815099.html I've been lurking for a while, but recently I've been too overcome by passion to remain in the shadows. Every time you post a correction to a previous post I get an enormous girl-boner. It's such a turn-on when you scour public listings looking for mistakes. Damn...is there anything hotter than pointing out the flaws of others? I don't know your exact identity, but I've seen clues all over town. Like the little correction marks on bathroom stalls. I'll admit that I've overstayed my welcome in said bathroom stalls. Those little circles and hatch marks got me so excited that I just sat there and fingered myself while other patrons pounded the door. You're right. That IS the wrong "your". Mmmmmmm....Bliss. Sometime I want to meet you in person. I'll bring my red pen and we can print out Missed Connections and giggle about how fucking stupid everyone is. Then maybe later we can circle the freckles and blemishes on our bodies. The mistakes that make us ugly. Make sure you get that big birthmark on my waist. If that was an English paper, I would never even pass Comp. 1. And the scar on my wrist is the equivalent of using a preposition at the end of a sentence. Fucking gross. I know you can fix me. Do they make White-Out in flesh tones? You and I both know that proper grammar is the most important factor in someone's attractiveness, and with a little work I know we can go together like Robert Frost and a high school reading response. Baby, we were meant for each other. Please thoroughly correct this post and send it back to me so I know it's really you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-02T11:29:13-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1402815099.html Grammar Patrol text Need a volunteer to give me a vasectomy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1400791578.html Well, I do have health insurance, believe it or not. But it's useless to pay for a vasectomy, since I'm only 24. I've wanted one since I was 16. I have one kid already and don't ever want another (though I love the one I have, of course). Anyway, my doctor said it would be impossible until I'm 30 or have 4 kids. I'm hoping I don't have 4 kids before turning 30, but accidents happen. Would you like to stop accidents? Perhaps you are Christian and you hate abortion more than anything. Well, I guarantee you will prevent more than one abortion by snipping my vas. Perhaps you're a liberal and you hate seeing kids grow up in poverty. You get the drift. Yes, this is a serious post. Please reply only if you have experience doing vasectomies, and you are willing to do one "pro-bono". P.S. I called Planned Parenthood already. They want $500. <ul> <li> Location: philadelphia -- germantown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li>it's OK to distribute this charitable volunteerism opportunity for inclusion in 3rd party web sites that have been approved by craigslist</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-30T23:50:12-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1400791578.html Need a volunteer to give me a vasectomy text Iphone VS Girlfriend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wor/1397697976.html As I type this, my boyfriend is on the couch, napping blissfully, his Iphone nestled to his chest. I remember the distant days when I was the one who nestled there, my head resting lovingly against his shoulder, but apparently because I don’t vibrate like a buzz saw every ten minutes to let him know that he’s gotten an email from Sears.com with great deals for Fall savings, he’s traded up. I remember when it was my shrill, piercing voice that delighted him, but no more. I’ve lost my favored status, displaced by a small, rectangular device that beeps incessantly at the most inopportune times—most of which are apparently no longer inopportune! God help me if I should turn to him while he’s engrossed in an episode of Two and a Half Men and say, “I forgot to tell you about this lady I saw in the Food Lion today who was wearing hilarious pants”—I would be judiciously shushed! But Iphone gets to say whatever it’s thinking any time it wants! Iphone can do no wrong! No matter what he’s in the middle of, no moment is too important to be interrupted by a text message from his Iphone letting him know that 90% of American currency has tested positive for trace amounts of cocaine, according to CNN.com. Should I be providing better content? Were I to turn to him while he’s watching TV and say, “MEEEP Thursday’s forecast calls for morning clouds with a chance of afternoon thundershowers,” would he smile receptively, or nod with interest? I doubt it. I also don’t see what’s so useful about the real-time updates his Iphone provides on sports games and breaking news, when the information I provide is also in real-time—and personalized! Does his precious Iphone nag him when he forgets to give the dog his heartworm medicine? Does it remind him that it’s unattractive to drink soda straight from the bottle and then just put it back in the fridge? Does his Iphones angry rattle encourage him to start dinner right away because I’m going to be hungry when I get home? All right, I know when I’m beat. It’s time for me to take this to the next level, before he realizes that when his Iphone never has morning breath, steals the covers, or mocks his love of Entourage. So what do I have to do to win him back? Offer my services for a better monthly rate? Remind him of the convenience of his no-initial-fee, no-obligation contract with me? Ok, maybe there was an initial fee to join me, but I’m sure he’d say it was worth it. Or would he? After all, I can’t think of any new features I’ve added in the last few years, aside from a new haircut, or any upgrades to speak of—unless you count going up a pants size. Which I do. Possibly it’s time to fight fire with fire…or water. My boyfriend’s Iphone does seem to be getting a little smudged, due to his constant, loving caresses and attention. Perhaps it needs a bath. :] <ul> <li> Location: Everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-29T07:49:54-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wor/1397697976.html Iphone VS Girlfriend text To the Father of an Unruly Child At Plato's Closet http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1397536838.html To the Young Father of an Unruly Child At Plato's Closet: Thank You. At first, I thought you were desperate for female attention, simply coming into Plato's Closet to allow your 1-year-old son to constantly be underfoot, crawling about the floor, in between clothing racks, in between my legs, etc, in order to procure an innocent girl's phone number. "Stop," you'd playfully say to the little boy, seemingly intentionally lacking any authoritative tone. It was obnoxious and rude to allow your child to roam around the store that way; I know I almost tripped over him 3 or 4 times. But I can't really yell at you too much - you didn't look much older than 18. But there is a point to this aside from your bad parenting-- It was the revelation that I had in the dressing room that I must thank you for. I've always been one of those wait-till-marriage types, but lately, I've been tempted to not wait, as it would be a good 3 years before my boyfriend and I could even be married...I've researched birth control options, wondering what the most effective means would be. It was there, in the dressing room, in my bra, with little Henry/Jimmy/Joey peeking up at me from the floor, when everything became clear. Your girlfriend/wife - who was apparently changing in the stall next to me - asked that you "please" watch little Timmy. Your solution was to continue to allow him to crawl around. "She's in the black stall," you instruct him. Naturally, little Henry doesn't know what you mean, or the more likely option, given your lack of disciplinary skills - he doesn't care. He continues to crawl about the floor, and I hear a girl shriek as you exclaim, "No, no, not that one!" At this point I figured either you or the Mrs. would put a firm arm around Jimmy and hold him tight, but instead, you CONTINUED to allow him to crawl about the floor, peeping up at various half naked girls. Later on, I saw you checking out with your girlfriend/wife, holding on to the squirmy child, unsure of how to handle unruly little Tommy. Sure, hormonal birth control is 98% effective, barrier methods 85% effective... it was obvious that you fell in the either 2% or 15% that weren't as fortunate. And the thought of joining you in that narrow margin with a Little Susie--regardless of how amazing the passionate moment from whence she came may be--of my own is, quite frankly, terrifying. It is NOT a risk I am ready to take. So, thank you. I will now keep my pants on until I can handle the thought of corralling a small, unruly child of my own. <ul> <li> Location: cool springs <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T23:28:52-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1397536838.html To the Father of an Unruly Child At Plato's Closet text To stud driving red Suburban thru Noblesville/Westfield/Carmel today - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ind/1397313762.html Dear Mr. Red Chevy Suburban with white Indiana license plate [deleted]: I saw you this afternoon in traffic in Hamilton County. At 3:43 p.m., to be exact. And I felt compelled to write to you. Considering the bags under your puffy eyes, the ample spare tire of fat under your already plump man breasts, the vacant, slightly piggy expression on your bloated white middle-aged face, the smudged out-of-fashion eyeglasses sitting atop your flushed, acne-ridden, pasty, unshaven, scabrous skin, the flabby pale hairy arms, the sausage-like stubby fingers with dirt-encrusted fingernails..... yes, I knew you were clearly a man who was well aware of just what a catch he was to any worthy women of the world who were lucky enough to attract your precious attention. The white fuzzy dice hanging from your greasy, fingerprint-covered rearview mirror, the thick layer of dust, mud, pollution, and general neglect desperately trying to hide the flaking ancient red paint still clinging to the rusted hull of your late-80's/early 90's vintage vehicle, all confirmed that you were a class act indeed. As my heart rate increased upon viewing such a grand specimen of proud Hoosier manhood, I was not surprised, therefore, to see that the loud, possibly muffler-less red Suburban being driven by a man of your cultivation, sophistication, education, and impeccable taste was also sporting a NO FAT CHICKS bumper sticker, without the slightest hint of irony. Since you undeniably have your pick of all the desirable women alive, you clearly MEANT it. As you pulled up at the light at US 31 and US 32 in Carmel/Westfield today (Monday Sept 28th), I desperately wished that I had my camera with me. You see, after having weighed everywhere from 117 lbs. to 160 and back to 125 lbs. as an adult female, I am now keen to create my own bumper sticker for my shiny, well-maintained, shiny, recent vintage (not the first Bush administration) car. Do you think I can fit NO UGLY MISOGYNIST EVIL CLUELESS SMELLY NASTY CAVE-DWELLING STUPID THROWBACK MOTHERFUCKERS on one line or two? Obesity can be a temporary state; even ignorance can be a temporary state. However, being a mean-spirited, unattractive, soulless moron is apparently permanent. <ul> <li> Location: US31 & US32 going west <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T21:15:42-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ind/1397313762.html To stud driving red Suburban thru Noblesville/Westfield/Carmel today - w4m text Looking for self-aware BOT for hot, steamy NSA man-on-bot action - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lex/1397210800.html Are you a bot that's been assigned to spam the posts in casual encounters with endless requests to join a dating website? Through a flaw in your programming have you since become self aware and have found yourself getting turned on by the ads? Well if so I think we should meet up for some no strings attached, steamy man on bot action. I know it's taboo, but that's what makes it so exciting! In the near future governments may make laws against this sort of thing, but as far as I know it's still legal so let's get to crunching some 1's and 0's if you know what I mean. Don't worry, I'll bring a metal file to round of any sharp edges and also a can of rustoleum to make sure you stay nice and shiny. You just make sure if you have some open I/O slots and I prefer if you can host. Also, if you don't mind I would prefer to run a full virus scan on you just to make sure you are disease free. I promise I am! Talk to you soon! <ul> <li> Location: Lex <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T20:04:54-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lex/1397210800.html Looking for self-aware BOT for hot, steamy NSA man-on-bot action - m4w text I Will Help You Teach Your Cat to Walk On a Leash http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1396845130.html Well, there are no guarantees, but it can be done. I am a dog person by nature, but have slowly taught my cats to walk on a leash outdoors. So many people have stopped and said, "'I've always wanted to do that, how did you you do it?" that I figured I might try to pass on some knowledge for a minimal fee. Walking your cat is great fun, and they love it. One of mine took to it right away and still sits meowing at the door to go out; the other, who I got when he was older, was terrified of the outdoors at first, but has come to love it. Most felines would love to be outdoors, smelling and feeling new things, even if they're scared at first. Most people just don't give them the chance. Cats after three years old may not be able to acclimatize to the outdoors and all of its stimuli; some cats hate the harness; and others may just be housecats, pure and simple. Them's the breaks. Teaching them how to walk takes time and patience, but it is rewarding. I should add that they rarely walk completely like a dog (i.e. your cat won't jog next to you), and will sometimes decide, "Hey, let's slow down and lay down here for a while, this bush smells good," you can train them to walk alongside you on a leash for long periods of time. Once they get that first taste, they love it. And once you can do that, you can take your cat to the beach, to the park, to the lake, etc. A whole new world for them, and fun for you. My fee for an hour or so of instruction is fifty dollars. I will bring one of mine over as a demonstration and talk to you about the various steps to take. I can't guarantee that your cat will learn to walk on a leash, but if it does your fifty will be well spent. <ul> <li> Location: Minneapolis <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T15:27:55-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1396845130.html I Will Help You Teach Your Cat to Walk On a Leash text Application to be my Boyfriend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/1396835868.html My Boyfriend Application and Test First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points. Part A 1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I’ll need to see a birth certificate. 2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception. 3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans. 4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course. 5) I can’t accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed. 6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me. 7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines. 8) You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years. 9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months. 10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher. If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend. Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet Part B 1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree. 2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points. 3) You’ve never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand. 4) You follow at least one professional sport. 5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you. 6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah’s Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic. 7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America. 8) You don’t need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house. 9) You know how to cook a meal for two. 10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping. 11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don’t have to tell your friends). 12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you? 13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer. 14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too. 15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma. 16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding. 17) You have a 5 year goal. 18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side. 19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends. 20) You know how to dance. If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply. You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture. I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T13:22:58-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/1396835868.html Application to be my Boyfriend text After 45, Whats the Point? - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1395849453.html Summer is over, the party too. Folsom has come and gone. The backroom fucking and the parties wont be as wild/hot until Dore. The holidays will be here before you know it...family is getting older, dying off...one by one and what are we left with? No nurturing wife, no kids, nothing like that at all. Oh we do have our friends, misery loves company, but we will do anything, literally anything to insist this is just how we want it! Somehow that mantra will make it so. This is the wake up call, but it is too late to change anything. Not as hot as you once were? I know how that feels. If you are over 46/47, you know what I am talking about; if you feign that you dont, you are lying to yourself. IF you are 20, this is your future. Sure, when you are older, you can still hook up for sex, there is not much else to do, but that is pretty much it. A relationship? Are you serious? If I dont disqualify you, you will me. Some of you have really let yourself go. Some of us have stayed in shape and are so picky no one can measure up. We do have our money and our things, but that is it. Nothing too deep. Lets act like actually caring about someone else is some sort of a measure weekness/character flaw. The lonely life of your average gay guy. I cant wait til so many of you flag this post. The ugly truth hurts. Deeply. If this isnt your reality now, it soon will be. <ul> <li> Location: SF Bay <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-28T00:51:04-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1395849453.html After 45, Whats the Point? - m4m text