I’m pleased to present my attached resume for consideration of the xx (insert name of hr and recruiting related) position at your fine firm. I possess a strong ability to perpetuate the mediocre, non-innovative, status quo at organizations through actions that ensure they continue to not even phone interview qualified but non-degreed applicants. I do this through a combination of smugness, personal insecurity, and laziness.
Smugness: I shamelessly live in willful ambivalence to my having obtained a degree at tax-expense of non-degreed persons. I’m in favor of perpetuating this form of segregation in the post-college employment arena. I discount the value of anyone who has obtained qualifications through hard work and self study.
Personal insecurity: I bristle at the idea of a non-degreed applicant functioning at the same level of other degreed professionals in a position. I take such a threat personally and am thus highly effective in my efforts. At organizations, I make it my personal ambition to ensure degreed employees aren’t subjected to these types of humiliating circumstances that I wouldn’t want to experience myself.
Laziness: I think it not my job to do the hard work of assessing a non-degreed applicant’s alternative ways of obtaining qualifications for a job. Instead I think it appropriate to pay no respect to that person’s unusual level of effort and instead just skim for a degree. I believe if I’ve hired a degreed applicant I’m in safe harbor territory regardless of the results. And I believe if I can’t find a degreed applicant for the job that it’s not my problem and not my job to make other efforts to fill a position; so long as I support more h1b visas at the political level and call anyone who is opposed to that racist. I also believe if I and colleagues uphold this value, that the non-success of such people will be a self fulfilling prophecy I can join in taking credit for recognizing as an independent development despite my taking part in having caused it.
It is for these reasons that I believe I’m especially compatible and able to immediately contribute to your firm in the position of (xx).
Sincerely,
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this poster.